Well, this is it. The moment you and I have been waiting for since I was 13 years old when I couldn’t measure up to your plan for me. Came up a little SHORT on THAT one, EH pops?
Well guess what, now it’s fucking over, and your bullshit fucking excuse for an “adopted son” is no longer in the picture and you can have the perfect family without me in the way, just like I know you secretly fantasize about.
And I’d also like to clear the air a bit, of YOUR lies.
“You’re the oldest male. Who’s going to take over when I’m gone?” You told me it was my job to defend the honor of the family, but how can I do that as the black sheep? I’m a fucking wreck, miserable, detestable, and alone. This is who you want? No fucking way you don’t, that’s why your real son is, always has been, and always will be better than me; just like you planned it.
When you said, “I just want you to be happy when you go to sleep at night,” you weren’t speaking for yourself, you were speaking the regurgitated GENUINE feelings my mother shared, so quit bull shitting me on that and then point the finger at me and call me a liar.
I don’t hate you, I just wish you never assumed ownership of me. Because meeting you, being commanded around by you, being hit by you, being afraid of you, being ashamed to disappoint you, being judged and berated by you, being insulted and diminished by you, being slandered and wronged, being near you,  being around you, having your constant nagging voice taunt and control my thoughts, being anything but perfect around you… Filled me with a nameless dread that haunts the pit of my gut, and the depths of my nightmares. I weep.
I always figured it would go out this, but I was foolish enough to hope you might understand someday.
“I’m not your friend, I’m your father.” Wise words from a self-proclaimed wise man.
No I am not your friend, and you are not mine. No I am not perfect, and neither are you. No I’m not happy, but I doubt you give a fuck.
I’m not in the business of forgiving people for blatant negligence, so instead I’ll just forgive you for ruining what should have been a long and happy life.
Goodbye
2 comments
There is something to be said for suicide as a form of revenge.
My father was also impossible to please and my mother makes him look like an amateur. If you’re going to kill yourself to get back at them, they’ll just call you a bigger asshole and use your death as the means to garner even more sympathy because of their “loser kid.” They may be the basis for having no self-worth, but they shouldn’t be the catalyst for suicide. Taking one’s life is, ideally, pro-active decision. My two cents.