Just want to first say this:
IF YOU ARE ON HERE READING THIS PLEASE FORCE YOURSELF TO FIND REASONS NOT TO AND THEN COME UP WITH A RADICAL BUT ACHIEVABLE PLAN FOR BEGINNING TO LIVE AND EMBRACE LIFE AGAIN.
YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE, EVEN IF YOU CAN’T RECOGNIZE IT RIGHT NOW.
PAIN, DARKNESS CAN BE OVERCOME.
* * *
Have attempted suicide a few times, most recently 2007 (carbon monoxide, more impulsive and less deliberate) and 2012 (overdose, deliberate and methodical).
2012 was closest to date; received dialysis twice and woke up convinced I had irreversible brain damage. Realize that my resolve to succeed each time is growing and each time I immunize myself to the horrible, sickening sensation of exiting life.
Feel conflicted about suicide in part because ex-boyfriend and sister both lost friends to suicide (3 in total).
Generally experience a lot of dissociative symptoms and when severely depressed have symptoms of derealization / depersonalization. Feel that these are risk factors predisposing me to morbid thoughts & suicidal thinking and also that I can overcome this if I go back on a heavy psychotropic Rx regimen and get therapy. Have major manic-depression and have been dx’d with schizoaffective disorder while hospitalized. Have had many depressive episodes and two episodes of mania requiring hospitalization.
If possible, I want a productive, useful life again. I want to be a good person again and be human — loving, supportive, whole, integrated.
In an odd way, fighting suicide resembles an act of ‘active,’ imaginative depersonalization, a hypothetical proposition. The reasoning part of me says: This is not you, this is an inferior, shadow version of yourself that is tormented and compromised by despair and a fear of living again, a person who feels guilty about all of the loved ones you have hurt and failed as a sister, daughter, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, friend, etc.
Used to be a fairly bright person, but have adapted poorly to losses, traumas, disappointments. Also, grew up in a high-expectations, high-pressure culture that emphasized knowledge, achievement and extrinsic rewards (income, prestige/recognition) over wisdom, happiness and well-being and grew up a rather brittle, self-loathing perfectionist.
The chronic inability to shed the past and the burden of memory & guilt/remorse and my anxiety & shame within the present have hijacked my thinking and feelings.
6 comments
im bipolar too and i dont want to live anymore
It’s hard. I am about to be homeless again because of a fight with my family, the same destructive family that started the downward spiral for me.
They took me in because I was homeless and now I’m returning to displacement/homelessness. I don’t know what I’m going to do; feel utterly sick & weak already and don’t know where to go.
It’s a horrible disorder. I wish you peace and love and joy. Be good to yourself.
<3,
meg
I enjoyed being homeless for the few months that I was. It made me appreciate the finer things in life and not to take it all at face value. After serving in the military and returning to a chaotic household/family situation, I feel as if transience…the act of following the water source to wherever it may flow…will be my only escape from everything.
I’d have plenty of supplies plus the training to live it rough, and I wouldn’t mind having company as I take up sentry on an overlook. But I wish you the best FWIW. My thoughts are with you, fellow traveller. 🙂
I have never been homeless, but would like to live in a caravan.
Best of luck to you, 77nearlyheaven.
It’s the perfection, high- performance conditioning that pushes you to self destruction…. Because YOU ARE SANE… This world and all it’s human expectations… Is complete and utter ignorance.
But we feel alone, because the majority are still asleep.
Fuck being a good person… That’s just the brainwashing of religion and culture.
There is no “good” person… Because you cannot have good without bad existing. It is impossible.
All those “good” people.. Are just lying convincingly to themselves and you… All those “good” people… Imagine murderering a supposed enemy daily.
I’d say… If good does exist … It exists within you… Because you’re able to address the darkness of man ( which 99% of this population spends 99% of their time attempting to disprove).
Part of not having a home I can deal with, part of it is destructive to my well-being, e.g. the chronic stress & anxiety, longing to disappear and not feel so exposed, conspicuous.
Just generally try to overcome any shame and focus on just getting through each day & night.
Here on (fortunately) rare occasions I encounter people who unnerve me (e.g. with erratic & deeply disturbed thinking, active substance abuse, habitual hostility, admissions of being quick to confront/threaten others or commit violence that more reasonable individuals would avoid) where I realize that in the wrong situation with the wrong individual(s) I or somebody else in a similarly compromised situation could get attacked.
Have always wanted to see & explore Australia; in some ways Australia shares some cultural affinities with the U.S., more so than maybe Canada & Britain, I feel. I don’t know how being displaced there compares with the U.S. Not surprisingly, most I meet who are displaced/homeless around here have a rough past (e.g. any combination of growing up in broken homes, trauma, violence, destructive relationships, substance abuse, stints in psych wards, suicide attempts, …)