Hi,
I’ve been doing a lot of reading to find some answers, some help. Most of what’s out there tells you basically, that if you really put what’s causing you so much pain into perspective you’d realize things aren’t really that bad. Â That you need to see all the good things around you. Â See life in it’s totality. Â Or even that you have a brain malfunction. Â I know those things are true for many, many people and can be of great help to them.
For me, none of this applies. I’m 45 years old. Â I’ve had suicidal feelings for many of those years. Â I clearly remember at age 11 I decided I needed to create a “social mask” so I could fit in with others. Â At that age I thought that would “cure” what seemed so wrong with me. Â From there it was an easy mental leap to try to force my spirit, my “being” into someone that would be pleasing. Â I’ve spent my entire life trying to work that puzzle out. Â What is wrong with me? Â Why is it so hard? Â What do “they” want me to be? Â I’m certainly smart enough to know that this isn’t a healthy way to think, but it became my only means of survival.
I’d have brief flashes of memories that seemed horrible. Â When I’d try to tell someone (family or friend) about them they’d be shocked. Â Then they’d tell me I’d certainly misinterpreted that, or even more common, “no, that never happened”. Â I created a patchwork of partial memories that I told myself I’d certainly understand some day, when I had the proper perspective or more information.
Last week I got that perspective. Â I filled in the gaps. Â I have an Aunt, my mom’s youngest sister. Â She’s 11 years older than me. Â Growing up, I remember her as one of the few kind people in my life. Â She moved half way across the country while I was still a child and made a life for herself there. Â Last week she came out to the west coast to visit family. We spent a couple days together. Â Between the two of us, my childhood came into focus. Â Not only my childhood, but the ongoing treatment I receive from both my parents, from most of my family.
My father began molesting my Aunt when she was 11. Shortly after I was born. Â She tried to talk to family about it, no one would believe her. Â My father was a cop. She said he’d come home at 11:00pm when she was babysitting me (nightly), take his gun out of it’s holster and set it on the table with the barrel facing her, and molest her while I slept in the same room. Â This went on for 5 years before anyone would listen to her. Â My mother’s reaction was distress that she’d broken off an extramarital relationship she was having so soon, because now she had good reason to be with that other man. Â My parents divorced and my mother left me and my little brother (4 years younger) with my father, a known child molester, for 2 years while she enjoyed being single. I have almost no memory of those years. Â My father was not only a child molester, he was frighteningly violent. Â He used to beat me with a closed fist, literally senseless, for any infraction or irritation. After 2 years we went back to living with my mother. Â She was currently dating a man who came from a wealthy family. Â He liked that she had a little girl. Â He began molesting me when I was 10. Every night. Â My mother told me many years later that the reason they divorced was that she found his journal. Â In it he detailed sexually explicit fantasies about me. Â For whatever reason, when my mother left this man she took my brother and left me alone with him.
During this entire time, my mother would alternately tell me what a devoted mother she was, and tell me how stupid, ugly, worthless I was. Â She had a friend of hers take me aside and tell me what a burden I was to my mother. Â My mother is quite petite and I’m very tall. Â She frequently told me “I don’t know how anything as big and awkward as you came out of me”. Â Or show me childhood pictures of myself and say “weren’t you cute?” she’d wait for “yes, I guess so” then say “What happened?” Â Physical attractiveness is extremely important to my mother. Â I was endlessly told I was too fat, too tall, my hair looked too dark, too light, you name it. Â A couple years ago I started going to the gym excessively. Â Her comments then were about how “slutty” I looked.
As you can imagine, any man I’ve had a relationship with has been sociopathic and narcissistic. Â I started therapy a couple years ago. I was so despondent. Â Nothing I did pleased anyone. I was always a failure in everyone’s eyes. Â I worked my way through nursing school while both my children were under 7. Â I became charge nurse of an ICU. Â Nothing mattered.
Now I see clearly.  My parents both have cut ties with me.  I feel totally alone.  I have a great therapist, but she doesn’t want me to talk about my story, she doesn’t want me to “get stuck in it”.  She wants me to move on and become strong.  I wish I could.  I’m trying desperately.  I AM stuck though.  No  matter how I try to will myself to move on.  I simply can’t.  I’m horror-struck.  I’ve been a pawn all my life – all the while I kept trying to please.  I wasn’t the rebelious kid, the addicted kid, I just kept trying to be good.  Kept trying to please. My Aunt told me I was always so sweet, concerned about everyone else.  I wasn’t sure, didn’t know if I could trust my memory of trying to be good.
I can’t tell friends about this. Â I’ve tried. Â No one wants to hear such atrocities. No one knows what to say. Â This is the kind of thing people avoid. Â I’ve learned not to really trust people. Â In therapy I learned I am the exact fit for a narcissist/sociopath. Â I attract them. Â They use me and devastate my trust. Â I’m learning who is ok and not ok to trust.
So  this is what brings me to suicide.  I’ve been told all my life how worthless I am.  I kept trying to prove it isn’t true.  Now I see that it is.  There’s no hope of pleasing anyone, making myself more ok.  I am at my core all the things they despised.  I can’t fix it.  The drama that’s ensued as a result of all this coming out is unbelievable.  I’m blamed for it all. I know theses people are sick, I get that.  That doesn’t take away what’s been done to me. The physical acts themselves are secondary to the disregard. An animal isn’t treated that way. The intentional harm done to me simply because of the pleasure they derived from it. When I tried to get help they piled on even more pain, insult and self-doubt. Just to keep me in that position. They denied everything.  My mother says I’m “just jealous of her” and that I’m “blaming all my personal problems on her”.
Thank you for the opportunity to get this out.
Jessica
5 comments
Hi,
Let me say that I think you are increadibly strong to have lived through this. You were put through HORRIBLE things that were NEVER your fault and I get SO ANGRY! Why would they do that?! Please, please stay strong and maybe get another therapist on the side that’s willing to talk about what happened in your childhood.
Lots of love //Reb
Jessica,
“I am at my core all the things they despised.”, and “My Aunt told me I was always so sweet, concerned about everyone else.”. you are right, you were all of the things they despised – a sweet, innocent child, who cared about people other than herself. so they hurt you in horrible ways. monsters like that cannot stand goodness in the world, so they try to destroy it. now you can either let them succeed, and let your children suffer for the actions of these people, or you can keep being that which the monsters despise, and try to make the world a better place by your actions.
your therapist is wrong, you dont need to “get past this”, you need to confront it. none of your friends will understand if they never went through anything like it themselves, for most of us its easier to deny that such things happen. but there are others out there, little girls going through the same horrors as you right now, young women going through the same post traumatic pain as you. if you can confront your own pain, your own past, and survive, maybe you can someday help them to do the same.
the choice is yours – let the monsters win, or be a light in the darkness.
-j
Your therapist is not helping you. The whole reason you’re ‘stuck’ is because no one will let you tell your story the way you need to, including your therapist. Everyone you’ve tried to talk to is so caught up in _their_ needs that they’re simply not listening to you.
The only way around this is to stop being nice. Seriously – if you’re at the point where you’re considering ending your life over all this pain, what do you have to lose? Stand up to these people. It’s painful to have them shut you out (I know, I’m dealing with the same thing with my own family – the shutting out, not the sexual abuse part – my experience is more about emotional abuse) but at least you know now who you can count on and you can stop wasting valuable time and life energy trying to get help from people who won’t help you.
I think the best thing is to get angry about all the unfairness. When you’re busy being nice, you’re spending all your energy protecting other people from your feelings, feelings that make other people uncomfortable.
This may seem like strong language, but fuck them. Whether you can say it out loud or write it or whatever, you need to start getting angry about how you’ve treated – anger is our self-protection mechanism, and when we’ve shut it off to be ‘nice’ all the time, we’re like a cat that’s been de-clawed: We have no way to protect ourselves
And I know you can’t just turn the niceness off with a switch – I’m 46 and I’ve been working on this for years. I can now be a ***** when I need to and hardly flinch. But it’s taken a long time. And I also have a whole new batch of friends – there was a long stretch where I only had one person to talk to, by phone, while I gradually got rid of all the ‘fair weather’ friends who couldn’t handle listening to any of the ‘bad’ stuff.
Fuck ’em. I don’t say that blithely – I know it’s hard. I know it’s scary, and can be really lonely. Reach out to whoever you can, even if it’s in bits and pieces from one person here, another there. Wrack your brain to think of somebody new you haven’t tried. Again, if you’ve got nothing to lose, why not try it?
And get _really_ fierce about your emotional boundaries. If talking to a particular person makes you feel bad about yourself, there’s something not right about that person for you. Maybe you’re going too fast and trusting them too soon, revealing too much, or maybe they’re not listening well.
Whatever it is, trust your instincts. Put yourSELF first. Fuck the rest of them. They’ve never been there when you needed them in the past, cut them loose. Cut your losses. Cry about it if you need to; grieve the loss of friends and family and people you wanted so badly to count on. I’ve done this; I’m still doing it.
It’s hard, but you have to blaze your own trail. Don’t let ANYbody tell you what’s right for you – trust your instincts. If this therapist is keeping you stuck, dump her.
Or, test her. Say, “No, you’re wrong. I _need_ to talk about this stuff. The whole reason I’m stuck is because nobody will ever listen.”
If she insists that she’s right and you’re wrong, recognize it as just another power trip by yet another person in authority, just like your parents. In fact, this sort of thing can actually make your pain _worse_, because she’s not listening to you just like your mom wouldn’t and other people you trusted wouldn’t.
Walk away from them. All of them. It can be hard to do at first, but what I’ve found is that in a little while the relief of not having to fake being happy, of not having to pretend to like people who treat you bad, is so powerful that it helps give you strength to take the next step. Which is to relentlessly seek out people who _will_ listen. Who _will_ let you tell your story the way _you_ need to.
I’m wondering if a women’s shelter might have counselors who’d be better at listening to you talk about being sexual abused? I have no experience with this, so I don’t know. An idea, only.
I hope you will come back and write some more. Sometimes telling your story and knowing that _somebody_ is listening can be a huge help.
i want to say something to you.
something that will make you feel good about everything and even happy maybe.
i want to tell you things that make everything better.
but there are no such words.. And im sorry
the fact that you are still alive and successful prove that you are stronger than any one i have, or probobly ever will meet.
your amazing.
Jessica,
you are amazingly strong, in my opinion we need more people like you in this world. i am extremely sorry about whats happened to you, i know some people that r very close to me that have experienced some of the same things as you.
find the strength in your heart to forgive them and then forget them.
i don’t think suicide is the answer sweetie, you have babies of your own who need you, love you, and look up to you.
be strong i have faith in you