tonight

You dont mention your age. Or how old your daughter is. If you’re married or live with others.. these things would give a clearer picture of your situation and context.. but I will tell you what comes to my mind after reading your post.

No one understands the ‘rules of the game’ bc there are no rules and it is not our game. Everything we value in this society is completely artificial. Designed to make us think we are someone when in fact everyone is a nobody, ‘a self-conscious nothing.’ Some of us just pretend better than others. Others are given too much for our consciousness to deal with, life quickly becomes an unbearable weight we seek nothing but an escape from. And so we spend our time imagining different ways to end our suffering.
We can still find ways to cope and make life worth living, at least while we take care of our obligations.

I dont care if you’re the pope, or Buddha, all of us struggle. None of us knows the meaning or purpose of life. Such feelings are usually an indication we need to make some changes in our lives or we are dealing with clinical depression. (Remember, it is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” -Krishnamurti)
So being a bit out of sorts, I would say is a sign of health. But not so much that we are despondent.

There are mild mood stabilizers available (Like a low dose of wellbutrin. (which I think is helping me. I just started taking it like 3 or 4 weeks ago) It is not a magic pill obviously but it can sort of take the edge off the extremes. I still get very sad sometimes, I still deal with ideation..but somehow it is slightly more bearable. Better living through chemistry. Of course nothing is going to change how useless, purposeless, barbaric, contrived and artificial, life is. We are not its architects… but its captives. And as we are here now and can check out at any time we choose, why not make the best of it? Have some fun, love pleasure, good conversation, knowledge.. whatever you like. I would advise not making any more children bc all people suffer whereas non-beings do not suffer.

I might begin by making a list of things I want to accomplish and setting some ground rules for myself. For example:
-I will not judge myself according to the expectations of others.
-Success is a state of mind, of well-being. Of feeling in control.
-I will not punish myself for what I feel or what is beyond my control.
-I will remind myself daily that I am not what I feel and that I can learn to manage my emotions by not letting them lead the way, -so I do not feel like a feather in an emotional shitstorm of pain and despair.
-and so on… according to your goals and desires.

Keep busy. Read, listen to music that makes you feel good. You may very well be dealing with a clinical situation. You dont mention how old your daughter is, but postpartum depression is a possibility.

Our emotional states involve the release of powerful neurotransmitters in the brain. So it is good to first of all remember that, but also to keep some distance from what we feel. WE ARE NOT WHAT WE FEEL.
Emotions are like a pair of colored glasses. When they are on us,,we can only see the world through whatever tint they happen to be. But they are still glasses that can be removed. We can still close our eyes and learn to be free of the emotional overlords in our brains.

There are no easy answers of course,,,but sometimes a proactive approach can make a surprising difference. Sometimes not. I like the idea of letting go. I will not attach myself to what I feel, period.
We think too much. we feel too much. we judge ourselves too harshly. We are conditioned by this completely artificial environment, with its fake status symbols.. we are either ‘winners’ or ‘losers.’
Our whole lives…are like this. The wonder is that more people aren’t completely insane. Im pretty sure they are, -they are just more easily distracted.

Simplify. Find your center -which is known bc we feel peace and well-being when we abide without attaching.
Do not be scared to ask for help..especially if this has been going on for a while. Youre young (I assume) daughter needs you and you need peace and stability for yourself and for her.

Hope you feel better, girlbear !
Maybe channel it into making art? Either way, you are not alone and there’s Nothing wrong with you that is not exponentially more wrong with the world and human society. Take some comfort in that and maybe you can be a little less hard on yourself.
best, m.