I am a male in my mid 30s and have been weary of life for almost 2 decades but always found a way to preserver until recently. Approximately 3 years ago following a particularly difficult year at work I promised myself to end my life ordeal at the end of the academic year (I work in education). As promised I attempted during the summer vacation but a part of me wasn’t committed to completing the process so I stopped and endured another year. The next summer vacation I attempted again but again a nagging part of me prevented completion. Yet again following another academic year this summer I am mostly resolved to end my life but a few psychological obstacles are in the way.
I am not trapped in depression but am weary of the life. I think that the world is not inherently good. The facts that the finite nature of the world mean that the beings that inhabit it must always compete for resources and must consume each other to survive do not bode well for life as a good thing. Yes yes I know it’s the nature of life but it isn’t so great for those that lose or those that are consumed. I am sorry it is not that I am trying to preach I am just as briefly as possible trying to present my perspective. Please excuse me if I sound arrogant in saying this but I have a relatively high base intelligence and studied and reflected for the past 2 decades with the aim to understanding the why of life, but to no avail. So many theories about the nature of existence and no certain way to discern the truth. So much suffering in the world some of which is endured by beings that would never have freely chosen to be here.
I am now approaching the end of my summer vacation period and my time is running out to end my life neatly. Yes living for others is one way to go but this wears thin when most people are content with the way things are and so not so much open to change. I could also live just to please myself but it’s not really in my nature, I am the type of person that needs an ultimate purpose. If I am committed to something I really put myself into it whole heartedly if not I barely try.
I have the method of ending my life ready but can’t bring myself to use it because of uncertainty. I know a few people would miss me but I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.
The thought of ending my life has dominated my thoughts for so long and I’m certain I’ve thought of every pro and con. Even if I decide to stay, for how long do I stay? If death is inevitable why endure a hollow life.
1 comment
It sounds to me like you’re having doubts for a reason. I would suggest seeking counseling. Part of you obviously isn’t ready to go yet, and you owe it to yourself to do everything you can to explore the possibilities of living in this world.
You express that you hate the basic nature of this existence in this reality: consuming, killing for survival, etc. Mayhaps you just need to get out of yourself. I’ve personally been thinking about joining the Peace Corps. Maybe volunteering and helping other people can help you see a new meaning for existence, maybe you’ll even find your calling in that kind of service work.
The bottom line is, you need to change something in your life. You’re in a rut, and since every summer you attempt or contemplate suicide, it may be a good idea to change your lifestyle/career. Find something that makes you feel more fulfilled. And since you hate how we’re pitted against each other just to survive, I think the volunteering thing might be just the ticket.
But definitely seek counseling asap, if you’re not already. It really can help you feel more grounded in this world. Best of luck! I’m here if you need to talk.