I have been thinking about suicide very frequently the past few weeks. Perplexingly, I’m not depressed now, but ending my life on my terms seems incredibly sensible. I was deeply depressed earlier this year and took a leave of absence from my job, which I love. I “recovered” and was really good about self-care for awhile, but this whole experience has left me wondering what the point of life is. I don’t expect their needs to be a greater cosmic purpose, but just my little purpose in my little corner of the world. I’m coming up empty. I have everything going for me, loving husband, friends, great education and job, comfortable money, and yet… none of it is fulfilling. I do find joy in things, but moments of joy feels inadequate to outweigh relapses- which have happened and may very well happen again.
I was hit with this thought that my years alive have been sufficient. I’ve traveled, I’ve done things, I’ve loved, I don’t see any reason to keep it up. In a cost benefit analysis of the future I just don’t see the fucking point of banking on an unrealistically rosy set of tomorrows. I’m tired of the incesent weighing of pros and cons, of being hyper-mindful of positive and negative thoughts and experiences.
I’ve been doing extensive reading about ways to kill myself. I of course want to limit pain and increase potential for success. I had previously been against the idea of shooting myself since I am firmly anti-gun, but in this context, the high success rate of shooting and the impossibility of anyone else being accidentally harmed with the weapon renders my misgivings about that route moot. I particularly wanted to buy a handgun so I could hide it from my husband, but it would be around for some future night when I found myself impulsive and home alone. However, it’s incredibly difficult and drawn out to legally purchase one in my state. The irony here is recent laws I strongly supported are the ones that are preventing my plan’s success. Among other things, you need letters from four people that you can be trusted with a gun and I can’t imagine finding those people, given my vociferously anti-gun stance and everyone’s knowledge of my previous struggles.
Im working on alternate plans. Since I’m not coming at this from an emotionally desperate place I want to pick my specific death. If I have the right to shape my life, why not, then, should I not carefully craft it’s end?
6 comments
The death of a person is something special something that I feel should be a mystery I wouldn’t kill yourself please don’t even let that cross your mind please please please please please don’t even think about it please don’t do it!
The way you have described this makes me want you. I feel this same way. I’m inexplicably drawn to you, unless you count the narcissism of seeing one’s thoughts and opinions expressed by others. I may have a suggestion of you would be interested in contacting me. I would like to maybe meet for coffee sometime if possible.
-LB
… *if you would be interested in contacting me.
Please pardon the typo.
I can’t help but think how I envy your position. But in a good and positive sense … not from a position of jealousy. Sometimes, for all our independence, we need a little help steering the ship. You don’t say specifically “how” you “recovered” from your depression. I can’t help but assume you had the means and access to find a good counselor that helped you through your crisis. But from all things I’ve read and experienced, clinical depression is NOT something that you can be “cured” from. It would seem to me that it requires diligent management and monitoring to prevent, or at least minimize the next flare up/crisis.
It’s obvious from the way you write, you reject this as a detriment to your independence and outward optics. But it may be necessary. And you are in a uniquely enviable position to access and maintain ongoing care. There is NO harm in that. You can still be the strong independent person you always have been AND see a therapist on a regular basis. To those around you, you need only give vague and cryptic generalities as to who/why you are going. I’m sure your husband knows you were in a bad place before so it may ease his mind if you simply say “I’m doing this to be proactive and preemptive to ensure it doesn’t happen again”.
I’m not saying you “can’t” choose to exercise your “exit clause/option” … only that you have the means and access that many here would “kill” for (I say this simply as a point of reference). Please consider using all the resources at your disposal to find an option other than your exit clause. It is not a sign of weakness to seek help as I’m sure you well know, it is a sign of strength to recognize your limitations and seek assistance (whether that be for mental health or for moving a large boulder to a new location).
We, as humans, often have a way of taking for granted, the things we have around us, the security we’ve built. I know you’re “looking” for something you can’t see … could it be you already have it? 🙂
I do hope you find it … what ever it may be … but at least for today, enjoy the day … you don’t always have to keep your eye on the future … sometimes a rose is just a rose.
botanical dawg
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. One of the other things that really gets to me is that I *do* recognize I have resources and an grateful for a wonderful therapist who I see weekly and friends who are aware of and even supportive of my condition and actions. Should be all it takes to fix it, right? I was in the hospital for depression this spring and met so many people who had endured great traumas, but depression doesn’t seem to care about resources, friends, and gratefuls when it really hits.
I have been trying, with all my might, to access my resources, whether they be taking my anti-depressants, being open and forthcoming in therapy, practicing mindfulness, or just actively noticing what feels good in this life (e.g., my bike ride to work this morning) and it’s so exhausting. If it takes that much energy to just survive- not even get to a point of contentment- it really makes me wonder what I’m working for.
But for today at least, I’ll try to see the roses simply for what they are.
Thank YOU for your measured response 🙂
My apologies for making unfounded assumptions regarding your maintaining and regularly seeing your therapist. Fair to say I got that bit quite wrong.
I think the major thing to keep in mind is that depression cannot be “fixed” period. I apologize for alluding that that might be possible, I know it is not. It can only be minimized and managed and even then only with marginal success if everything I’ve read is true. I personally have never sought or been treated for depression and the jury is out on whether i suffer from it to any degree since I’ve never seen a therapist or doctor with the intent to find out. I will say that my research suggests I may suffer some level or symptoms of depression but certainly not to the debilitating degree as many others. Hopefully I didn’t give the impression that I had some inside knowledge and experience.
I also hope I didn’t come off to you as judgmental in my response – I was trying hard to avoid that – I was trying to suggest reaching out and using resources that you did not mention using in your original post given your current position of wider/available access.
That said, could it be as simple as “you’re trying too hard”? I mean, you seem to be a driven and highly result motivated person – you have the education (could you consider more?), you have the great job (Maybe a take a risk and try something new?) and you have surrounded yourself with what seems like a wonderful support system of your loving husband, friends and therapist/doctor etc. … but you omit any mention of other family. Is there anything unresolved? What would the effect of your demise be on those closest/reliant on you?
I certainly cannot presume to know anything about your life, your pain and your thoughts beyond what you’ve put down here. So please accept the questions I ask or options I present at face value from a position of well intended ignorance.
Do you have a religion/faith infrastructure that could offer any guidance on life and purpose (in general)? Personally, I am atheist so much of organized religion holds little value for me but that doesn’t mean that it has no value for others.
I know when I was cruising through life at a place of comfort and security, I took a lot of stuff for granted and my values were somewhat skewed … but I found a point/purpose for focus of my wealth and energy in rescuing dogs. It became a saving grace when the bottom fell out of the housing market and I found myself on destitute and on the verge of homelessness. My outward focus and the responsibility I had taken on with the lives of the dogs became the one thing that kept me from “pulling the trigger” – their future well being and security became my purpose – in return, they taught me to not be judgmental, but to accept things as they are today and to be thankful for this moment … they (the dogs) didn’t care one bit if we lived in relative luxury or abject squalor … as long as we lived … together.
I know, my life holds little value for humanity and I will not even rate a footnote in the annals of history … but the dogs I’ve had in the past, the ones I have today and in the future have lives … they have a chance at life (and a merciful, peaceful death). I can’t focus on the totality of all the dogs I can’t save … I can only focus on the ones that I can save. And I choose the hard cases – the ones that people shy away from because they require more or specific attention – one pug I rescued had a horrific life before landing in a high kill shelter – we pulled it knowing it may need a lot work to get it to an adoptable condition … unfortunately, it was so messed up with unseen tumors internally that I made the hard choice to relieve it’s suffering only 8 days after saving it. But it was 8 glorious days of comfort, love and food (dogs love food 🙂 ). The happiness and appreciation from that dog were priceless and so was the understanding I could see and feel from her as her health deteriorated rapidly despite the meteoric rise of her spirit. She knew she was dying but she was grateful for the warmth and love (and food) … she trusted me and quietly held me as she passed away.
I have no “reason” for me to be here – like you, I suffer my own hell and pain (it’s well documented throughout this site – in short, it’s more physical than mental – but real nonetheless) … but I persevere … I focus on the day, the task, the moment – I try to act in the best way possible for me, the people around me but mostly for the dogs – i live for them to live … and I accept that my life is general shit … but the dogs don’t care that it’s shit … to them it is the most glorious gift in the universe.
My point is … find something that transcends you – something you believe in so strongly that in your darkest hour you’d sacrifice yourself for to ensure that your passion survives at least one more day … some people it’s their children, some people it’s dogs, some people it’s cats, some people it’s honor, some people it’s god some people it’s country, some people it’s a family member or spouse … it could even be yourself or your profession/customers. I know some who live solely for their music or art. You’ve worked hard your whole life to secure yourself … now time to find the payoff. Let the future write itself … the past is already written in stone … today, now is the only moment you need concern yourself with and how you perceive this moment is (mostly) your choice within the confines of the infrastructure you’ve created … however that infrastructure CAN be rebuilt, modified, expanded or contracted as you deem necessary to accommodate that which is most precious to your heart.
If all else fails – you can formulate a fall back exit option – take your time and research the best method that works for you – you won’t get any argument or judgment from me. But as they say in american football “Make sure you’ve left it all out on the field” before you call it a day.
All the best
dog dawg