Hi guys. I’ve been reading a lot of the stories here about suicide and depression and I can relate to nearly every single one.
I’m 21 years of age and for the last 2 years I’ve been severely depressed and thinking about suicide nearly every single day. I’ve tried killing myself a few times to no avail obviously with tablets and trying out hanging. I took my mums heart disease tablets and blood pressure tablets which she didn’t need anymore and forgot they were in a cupboard. There was so many of them I needed to drink a litre of water to flush them all back and I was 100% I was goner and it felt great knowing I wouldn’t be living anymore and experiencing the pain and fear I had and have at the time. I went to bed because heard it is the best thing to as you always hear ppl on tv “don’t fall asleep ” but I woke up in a daze and was alive to my Surprise.
I tried it again with some of the same tablets and different ones. I took another huge amount and it failed to kill me again .
Each time I felt like such a failure of a person for having to resort to this and felt just like a dirty person after it. Lost respect for myself and thought I had more pride than that but when you’re depressed nothing seems more beautiful than not being on this world right ?
Anyway a few weeks later tried to hang myself for the first time by strangulation In my wardrobe. Suspended by my belt gasping for air I thought how the hell do people do this it sounds so easy on books and the news “star found hanging in wardrobe” I was hugely disappointed in how I knew when I was in that situation my will to live was greater than my will to die.
Tried hanging from the door knob and same thing happened.
I then took a big pack of paracetamol a few weeks later and failed to do so again and got turned off panadol for ever after the taste it gave me.
Everyday looking up ways to kill yourself looking at every forum easy ways to kill yourself, guaranteed ways to kill yourself, how to kill yourself by OD-ing is just exhausting and makes you feeling like a failure of a person and puts me in a deeper chains of depression.
Everyday in college sitting down day dreaming about not having to be on this world any longer was sickly the best feeling for me it was comforting knowing that sometime soon I’ll be dead and won’t have to put up with the fear of having no close friends and worrying wht to do with my future job wise. I know that’s laughable to others but fear of not getting a good job is just my biggest fear as a guy.
Yesterday I saw rope around the side of my house and immediately thought that could do the job. Went to the attic saw that there was a beam strong enough to support my weight and I’m just constantly thinking about when I should do it.
I had a gf during a lot of this this depression who was great and helped me forget about my depression. She never knew about nor did I dare tell anybody about my attempts to commit suicide or my mental health. The Thought never entered my mind until one day I told her still regret it to this day but I felt relived that somebody knew my dirty secret. I broke it up about 4 months ago after being in a relationship for practically over a year and 7 months. It was the right decision I know that but I can’t help regret it now and again over how great we got and how much we loved each other. Can’t go an hour without thinking about her.
But I think I’m more down now than ever is because I lost a great friend to talk to not the relationship part. I can sadly say I do not have one close friend to talk to.
I bumped into a school friend the other day and we were talking about the olden days and laughing and he asked for my number to get in touch and I was smiling the whole way home because I talked to somebody and laughed
I just would love to get somebody’s advice on what to do or is anyone in the same boat as me because everyday is just the same shit different day where I just sit down where nobody’s in the room and just bury my head in my hands with this sickening feeling in my stomach on ten verge on tears.
3 comments
Get some friends man! It sounds like when you talk to people it cheers you up. I know what you mean about the girl thing. I use to have a girlfriend but I too broke up with her because I eventually wouldn’t be able to make her happy. Different reason but I do regret it as well. Don’t try hanging yourself. Try getting out there and being social and see how that goes first. Those days are long gone for me. But maybe for you it’ll be enough. Best of luck my friend!
In the long run, I believe it is her lost and maybe it is for the best… That there is someone waiting out there on you.
Having plp to talk to is good… And often makes you depressed when u feel like u have no one… I constantly feel like it but I’m dealing with it and I find that talking on here is very helpful….
Hopefully talking it out here may be helpful for you…
Listen to loldude, if just talking to people cheers you up, its not hard to find some. You must have at least one interest – find and join a club relating to it, youll have something in common. failing that, join anything, even a random support group. I used to go to an adults with aspergers group round the corner from me for something to do on a thursday night, they were a nice crowd used to play scrabble with them and have a laugh.. they eventually found out i wasnt autistic but they didnt care, they were happy to just spend time with people, just like you.