This Sunday evening I shall leave. I’ll spend the weekend visiting my parents, and following lunch I’ll get in my car and drive to the beach. I’ll park at a friend’s empty beach house. While I wait for my car to fill to the sufficient concentration of carbon monoxide, I’ll listen through my final play list and stare off at the bay. Once it’s about ready I’ll take a small dose of my sleep aid and get in. I’ll set some more charcoal on the grill for safe measure and wait. I’m excited. I’ll finally know what it feels like to be taken by death. It’s been three months since I made this decision and I’m confident in it. The freedom to live like you’re dying is truly all it’s made out to be.
38 comments
Why do you want to die?
Please talk about it before you do anything..
yeah talk to us nothing can be that bad can it?
Right now i wish i could go with you, where abouts are you?
You’re right. My life is by no means unbearable and I’m not unhappy. I believe life can have no objective purpose. In the grand scheme of the universe, humanity can have no significant effect, so whether we live of die can’t really matter. For me, life became boring. Why should I endure it then? I realize life can get better, but I see no point in waiting. If I’m dead I can’t regret dying. So really I’m killing myself, not because life seems worse than death, but because death doesn’t seem that bad.
The southeastern US.
I can’t say I agree or disagree with what you are doing because it isn’t my place.. But if you end up changing your mind and would like someone to talk to, get in touch with me. I hope you choose what you really want..
Humanity does have an effect, just not a positive one unfortunately.
I appreciate the concern. I’m quite confident in my decision. My primary reason for posting is to help me get into the mindset to keep my confidence. I’ve had my plans for a while, but now that the time is near it seems a bit unreal. Your comments have helped with that and I’ll likely post more throughout the week.
Thanks.
Okay, well I’ll be here for you if you need someone to talk to. :(goodluck
Sometimes life bores me too, i know that listening to standup comedy does change your mood
Try this, it’s not all standup comedy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaK9bjLy3v4
http://www.youtube.com/user/AnotherBeerMovie#p/f/37/Vo0Cazxj_yc
http://www.youtube.com/user/AnotherBeerMovie#p/f/41/44YGF9fmEEo
http://www.youtube.com/user/AnotherBeerMovie#p/f/136/2utfLBQQIyQ
http://www.youtube.com/user/AnotherBeerMovie#p/f/120/n4RjJKxsamQ
Tom, those videos are great. You haven’t changed my mind, but that car rolling down the hill was perfect.
how old are you?
@HeWhoHasAHat: I might not know you, but I can really relate with what you said.. sometimes (or often), you’re wishing that there’s MORE to this earthly life than just mundanely paying bills, taxes, constant paperworks, money, business, blah blah….
So what if you’re the type of person who don’t find these things interesting? BOOM! Suddenly ur life becomes almost miserable, why? Because those things above are often like 90% stuff in our life, unfortunately.
But, sometimes I do wonder if it’s OURselves who seem to entrap ourselves and thus overshadowed ourselves with those 90% fucking boring, mundane things..
Maybe there’s truly MORE in Life…
Swim to the deepest ocean, find new creatures always
Go travel to mysterious places,
read those new scientific or astronomical journals, enlighten ur mind always,
heck, maybe even go participate in the Creation of exciting scientific, or artistic works,
while connecting with like-minded individuals!
The question is: why it seems so difficult to DO those wonderful, lively things above, which are indeed the OTHER good sides of Life??…..why do we often ‘entrapped’ ourselves with those boring, mundane stuff?.. Why?
I’ll be 20 on the 26th. Niki, I understand your view. There is a lot of exciting stuff out there. I study microbiology in college. The world is an interesting place, but no one can have it all. To travel you need money, to study you need the grades to stay in school, or to research you’ve got to write reports and such. Nothing comes without a price.
youve been here for not even 20 years you have alot to learn bout the world its not your time
i like your post, im quite jealous. i hope everything works out best for you.
I realize that may not be old, but 20 years is a quarter of the average American life. I’m not one to say I’m most wise person in the world, but I think I know enough. Plus, if I’m dead it’s too late to regret it.
Why would you be jealous Luke?
@HeWhoHasAHat: Yes,.in other words, it’s the “System” that somehow is set-up by ‘The Establishment’, that truly restrain each of our individuality, freedom of expression that we all had when we were little kids.
It’s like: when you’re growing up and entering the so-called “adult” world, then all the bullshits and craps keep coming to you, that they just choke you slowly but sure..
I sometimes wish I can fight this goddamn “System”
(it might worth my life AND also Death, rather than to die IN the system!!),
but unfortunately I don’t know where/how to start,
and if whether my efforts would have impacts,
or way too insignificant…
I struggled for a long time with the idea of “it’s all a mather of perspective”. I thought no way i’ll be thinking that way, i was angry, “i know what’s true and what’s real, and this is for those who lie to themselves”. But in the end the opposite seems to be more true because i (still not completely ok) see how i raect to a situation and how the others, my family reacts to that same situation and it differs, sometime greatly. In the end it’s all in our heads and hearts, the will to commit suicide is because we’re born incomplete and we seek wholeness by accomplishing something and by meeting the right people, friends and relationships. When adults we’re encased in responsabilities: have a job or you’ll die in the streets alone. We need to accomplish something that matters, that will make us feel good about ourselves, that could be planting a tree and take care of it or make a donation, …, youchose! 😉
http://www.youtube.com/user/AnotherBeerMovie#p/f/37/Vo0Cazxj_yc
I can’t fully agree with you on that one. Maybe the system does put us down, but we can’t all take without giving back and expect to live in a civilized society. I’ve no issue with the way the world runs. It could probably use improvement, but it’s served me pretty well thus far. My issue is more with natural laws. The universe will either continue to expand or contract back as it was prior to the big bang. Either way life will no longer be able to exist. Without life who cares what we did here on Earth? We can’t matter.
Hey you with the Hat
That sounds very peaceful. I wish you would not do it, but I doubt anything I could say would make you change your mind…
So I can just hope it works out the way you planed 😉
Just wondering, what does your “final playlist” consist of?
@niki
Once you find out how and where to start, tell me. I’ll be there!
Let disruption rain.
@HeWhoHasAHat
I think the best illustration of that comes from Nietzsche. You should read “On Truth and Lies in a Nonmoral Sense”, especially the first paragraph.
Well, it’s still subject to change. I was going for something to start off giving the feeling “life isn’t that great” then changing to something more peaceful.
Still Remains- The Serpent
As I Lay Dying- I Never Wanted
As I Lay Dying- The Sound of Truth
Unsun- Home
Paradise Lost- Faith Divides Us, Death Unites Us
Gary Jules- Mad World
Within Temptation- Somewhere
Scary Kids Scaring Kids- Watch Me Bleed
Within Temptation- Pale
10 Years- So Long Goodbye
10 Years- Proud of You
Lord of the Rings Soundtrack- Evanstar
Followed by three albums of Artesia.
I take it your talking about the idea of Existential Nihilism?
indeed, well Nihilism in general
Nice music by the way
Yeah, that first paragraph hit the nail on the head. I won’t say I read the whole thing, for I’m not much in the mood to, but I will finish it tonight or tomorrow. What’s your view on the whole, “we don’t matter thing?”
If you’ve got any suggestions to throw in my play list let me know.
@HeWhoHasAHat
Well in some billion years humanity will be gone but is to prevail through time and space what is important? I know that bugs you. We’re all mortals with an average lifespan of 75 (maybe) years in develloped countries. Isn’t what good you do to others, what good moments recollections of this period you have that are important? 😉 (you don’t have to fully agree on that but i try 😉
Well my opinion is just that, we don’t matter. I’m half a nihilist. Problem is the other half, the satanist, that keeps me fighting. For my..nothingness…I guess.
As for your music, do you know “Sanctus Espiritus” by Within Temptation? Pretty epic imo. I personally would “March of Mephisto” by Kamelot in my list.
Maybe some Nightwish? “Ghost love score” is nice, it just goes on forever.
Well your death your choice. Have you a nice view on the bay? Like is it on a hill or something?
I can’t fully agree or disagree with you Tom. Yeah, those things are great. Anyone who’s got the mindset to live for a subjective purpose has my blessing. I’ve always been one to look at things in an all or nothing way and subjective purpose is too far a middle ground for me.
Please don’t.
Email me: feelthesame9991@yahoo.com
Just don’t.
You have so much to live for.
And if you can’t find it.. You’re just looking in the wrong place.. Which means.. Keep, looking..
Fight the urge.
Razor, I can’t say I understand your fighting for nothingness, but if you’ve got something to motivate your, then great.
On the music, I do love the song, but I’ve got enough Within Temptation already on it and I’ve gotten a bit tired of Nightwish, but the Kamelot I think I’ll put in.
The view isn’t perfect. It’s pretty much at water level, which I rather like. As odd as it may seem, I like the feeling of insignificance that comes with being on the level of the endless ocean. It’s got some plant life a bit in the way of the view, but there’s a path that leaves the water somewhat visible. I really chose the place primarily based on the seclusion since I live in a dorm.
You know,.sometimes I do hope/wish for ALL humans to work on what really truly matters most in the Grandest Scheme of everything of this earthly human’s life, and that is, IMO, is to: explore this Universe and to progress as a frontier beyond what’s known.
But, then again, I’ve slowly learned & realized that we are all different, and to push our own views would probably be selfish as well, as it would probably means we’re ‘limiting’ and ‘pushing’ other people’s free expressions.
And also, I’ve slowly realized that “to Civilize” is actually another great reason for humanity to perhaps exist,
and for that “civilization” to happen, ironically perhaps we have to just ‘let it happen’ instead of ‘forcing’ our own view of what’s “civilization” means..
So, perhaps all things that exist now are not that worthless, after all? As because they’re important ingredients for us to “civilize”..
lol I don’t understand my fighting either, that’s what brought me here
I see you’re place has something poetic to it. Nice thought. I hope you have it comfortable in your car :). May I ask what you intend to do until then?
@niki
I dunno. How is “civilization” supposed to happen on its own? But I agree on the fact that you cannot force it, because everyone has another idea of what civilized is.
Well my car is pretty comfortable. I’ve got a 07 Civic. It’s small, but has a massive windshield, so it doesn’t feel confined. I don’t really plan to be in it for too long though. I’ll probably stand on the beach until the gas builds up enough. It shouldn’t take long. I’ll have two grills in there and a sensor so I’ll know the parts per million. I am a bit worried it’ll be really hot though. Not much I can do about that one.
For the last month or so I’ve not done anything special. I’ve just enjoyed regular life a bit more. Partied harder, smoked a lot, ate at the best restaurants. Just lived without worries. I’ve not been to class in two weeks, except to take a test. I probably won’t do much different until Friday. Then I’ll drive back home and enjoy some time with my parents. Probably have a fancy meal for my birthday with them, then drive to the beach.
You’re going to break your parents’ hearts just because you find life boring? Look, I realize that sounds really judgmental, but I’m speaking as someone who knows people who have tried suicide and as someone who knows family members of people who committed suicide. It hurts long after. I don’t know that it ever truly heals. If you’re happy enough here, why not help spread that happiness to people less fortunate than yourself, or at least prevent the extreme unhappiness of your parents?
I really believe your life DOES matter. I believe there is more than the boring, mundane life…. I believe in a God of love and of adventure, and I believe that if you seek him, you’ll end up on the ride of your life. He created this beautiful world and he created you. A relationship with him is, I guarantee you, never boring. And I believe that you if you choose to die now, your life won’t end – everyone goes somewhere. Heaven or Hell. And the only way to get into Heaven is to have a relationship with God, because Hell is just separation from God. More on that: knowgodpersonally.org.
I know you said you’re confident in your decision, but I’d like you to consider that your life DOES have a greater meaning. You can help other people who are less fortunate than yourself, you can experience a relationship with the maker of the universe, you can laugh and cry and just BE. Sometimes it’s okay just to BE…. I know I personally would like to get to know you, but you would deny me and others that by ending your life….. denying us your uniquely beautiful self. Come on – you’re worth more than this ending!
Drop me a line if you just want to talk. Like I said, I would like to know you better. carin@uoguelph.ca
live
For your argument that my parent’s pain should stop me, I can provide no acceptable debate. I’ve thought of that and it’s the only flaw I can find in my plans. The only thing that I can come up with to allow my to follow through with that knowledge is the thought that if the only reason someone has to live is the desire of others for them to live, it just doesn’t seem like a very good life to live. Forgive me if that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
On God, I was raised a christian. I was as confident in my belief in God as I am the contrary now. I wish I still believed, but how can one convince himself something he fully believes to be false?