I’ve come here to vent. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m utterly lone. 🙁 Its my fault though, I push people away. I don’t feel anything…nothingness. A black hole that has eaten every part of me. I want to disapear into the nothingness, like in the movie The Never Ending Story…just swallow me whole so I vanish forever. I’ve been planning my suicide since March 2013 and each day and month that goes by I’m baffled because I should have been dead by now. I hate myself for not doing it sooner, seems like the longer I wait the harder it is for me to go threw with it. I’ve done all kinds of crazy stuff since then, but guess what? It doesn’t matter I’m going to kill myself. I’ll do what I want… my life is going to end.. guess I’ll live it up. Nothing brings me pleasure anymore. My plan back in March 2013 was to meet some guy and have sex with him before I kill myself. I hadn’t been with anyone in over a year before that and I just want to be with and touch another human being one last time and it was amazing. I don’t feel that feeling anymore. All I feel is numbness and all I yearn for is death. I’m going to kill myself in 13 days. There’s no stopping this.
What’s kept me alive so long is that I care and love someone dearly but I feel as though they are better off without me. I know killing myself will hurt them and I hate myself for it but I can’t go on like this anymore. I’ve done some messed up things and I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself and I fear others won’t either. I can’t bare the pain that awakes me in the future. I’m quite certain things only get worse for me. I can’t stand floating in this nothingness anymore. I’ve held on long enough I have to let go. I can’t keep playing this game with death. Game over.
7 comments
yea i know what you mean. nothing brings me pleasure anymore either, not even the little things.. that’s how you lose your will to live.
Yeah, I’ve only felt this way twice in my whole life once when I was 14 that’s when I attempted suicide for the first time. I pulled an armature move and swallowed a bottle of aspirin. I feel the same gloomy cloud over me again. Blah….
Messed up things is what happened TO me…it walked into my life and I didn’t want it. But that never mattered…still doesn’t. Maybe you’re in the same boat. Not that it matters to me cuz the result is the same. Good luck!
Thanks kon, I know how you feel. I’ve had some pretty messed up stuff happen to me as well. I struggle with it and the PDST that came with it, which taunts me every now and then.
Thanks kon, I know how you feel. I’ve had some pretty messed up stuff happen to me as well. I struggle with it and the PDST that came with it, which taunts me every now and then.
Why would anyone involve other people in their suffering and do “crazy things”, which for the worse involve sex and drugs?
That’s crazy!
I have to force myself to eat, drink, sleep, talk, breathe, walk, but i don’t involve other people in it physically.
My extreme loneliness makes sure i am alone, and stay alone, and there’s nothing worse than the cruel and desperate and hopeless feeling of being alone day and night for years, without even having one, just one, person who cares about me.
You’re going to try to kill yourself? So am i, again, but i will fail, because, who knows why, i only deserve to be alone in this cursed house, and suffer like a miserable abandoned dog.
How am i still alive?
I ask myself the same question. How am I still alive? I understanding your feelings of loneliness. Nobody deserves to suffer. I wish you luck and hope you find peace.