Can’t sleep. My body is super itchy and hot. I want to rip my skin off. Suicidal thoughts make me doubt my worth… No, it makes me doubt my existense . All my different personas bombard me with questions and they all “claim” things about me. I have no control over myself. I want to hurt myself to prove that I can still “feel” something. The pain in my chest gets unbearable but I’m acostumed to it, reminds me of who I really am and what I’ll never scape. Then I realize I’m young, so there might be hope but quickly realize by the small puddle of my tears that I’m fundamentally broken at my core. Then sleep and when I wake up, pretend it was just a nightmare and wait for it to happen all over again, every night.
Probably last year, lying on my bedroom floor fidgeting with a pocket knife. I was 3 months pregnant or so. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t breathe, I was covered in snot and all I could do was stifle the words “God just please kill me I can’t do this anymore just kill me, I can’t kill me because I’ll kill my baby”. Probably not the most amount of pain I’ve been in but the most trapped I ever felt. Pregnancy was super easy for me but in (the many) moments like that I hated that I didn’t own my own body. My husband had several online girlfriends for 7 months of my pregnancy, constantly lied, and started to behave like an abuser. People dismiss the hurt of the infidelity because it was online but much of the beginning of our relationship was online.
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Can’t sleep. My body is super itchy and hot. I want to rip my skin off. Suicidal thoughts make me doubt my worth… No, it makes me doubt my existense . All my different personas bombard me with questions and they all “claim” things about me. I have no control over myself. I want to hurt myself to prove that I can still “feel” something. The pain in my chest gets unbearable but I’m acostumed to it, reminds me of who I really am and what I’ll never scape. Then I realize I’m young, so there might be hope but quickly realize by the small puddle of my tears that I’m fundamentally broken at my core. Then sleep and when I wake up, pretend it was just a nightmare and wait for it to happen all over again, every night.
What is your diagnosis, if I may ask?
I made a pact with myself some time ago that once my savings fall below a certain threshold, that’s when I’ll go. I already have a plan in mind.
What’s your plan? I’ll not try to talk you out of it; I’m just curious.
Probably last year, lying on my bedroom floor fidgeting with a pocket knife. I was 3 months pregnant or so. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t breathe, I was covered in snot and all I could do was stifle the words “God just please kill me I can’t do this anymore just kill me, I can’t kill me because I’ll kill my baby”. Probably not the most amount of pain I’ve been in but the most trapped I ever felt. Pregnancy was super easy for me but in (the many) moments like that I hated that I didn’t own my own body. My husband had several online girlfriends for 7 months of my pregnancy, constantly lied, and started to behave like an abuser. People dismiss the hurt of the infidelity because it was online but much of the beginning of our relationship was online.