I can’t stop shaking.
I’ve been lying to my parents for 5 years. They think I just graduated from university when in fact I failed my second term, never even finished my first year. My parents are so proud of me. It’s all a lie. I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I have no friends, I have nobody except for my parents, where do I even begin to pick up my life? The son that they love is a complete lie, he doesn’t exist. They’re coming to visit me later tonight or tomorrow, and there’s no way of continuing to lie to them anymore. I’m a horrible fucking son. At this point I don’t think there would be much of a difference if I told them the truth or died, either way the son they thought existed will vanish. At least if I’m gone I won’t be a burden, and my life insurance policy would be more helpful to them than I ever was.
I attempted suicide 10 days ago, tried to overdose on insulin. I remember waking up a couple hours later with what felt like the worst hangover ever, but that’s all. Never told anyone about it, my mom called me that same evening and I just pretended like everything is just dandy. So I looked into other methods, and based on my research hanging was the way to go. And I honestly just attempted to hang myself before typing this. I don’t know if my rope is too thick, but there’s no way I could block my carotid arteries without crushing my trachea. It is absolute agony, I ended up suspending my entire body off my bedroom door, just barely. The rope I got tends to stretch a little, and it stretched just enough for my feet to touch the ground and it took me about 2 minutes trying to undo the rope from the door knob whilst trying breathing. I was so close to passing out but I couldn’t stand it. Forgive the terrible editing and unorganized post, but I’m writing this in a hurry. This is entirely my fault, I lied and I just kept digging myself into a hole with more lies. I honestly don’t know what to do right now, I need help.
18 comments
Tell them the truth. No doubt, they will be disappointed and maybe angry. Expect it. They will still love you. People make mistakes and you made one. It’s alright. Then you’ll need to determine your next step. What have you been doing for the past few years? Will you continue that? It’s not worth giving up your future. You still have time to return to school if you choose to. Or you can continue to go another route. If school is not for you, then so be it. There are plenty of successful people without university degrees. Just be honest.
Thanks for commenting. I’ve been doing nothing for the past few years. I guess I didn’t mention that my parents were paying for my ‘education’, I’ve pretty much been stealing from them. My apartment is empty now except for some furniture and appliances, I threw out everything else. Most of my clothes were thrown out, my laptop, my kitchen is empty right now; I cleaned up the entire apartment like I’m moving out. I have my car and less than $1500 in my bank account. I had planned on killing myself by the end of October, but I can’t even manage to do that properly.
Three years ago I tried to go back to school but I just wasn’t able to do it. My social anxiety was so bad at times that I had some serious trouble just opening my apartment door and walking into the hallway. The school work wasn’t too bad though, I just had trouble getting to class. Now I can’t afford to pay for tuition even if I did go back to school.
Have a conversation with them. You won’t know the outcome until/unless that conversation takes place. All of you probably need to get on the same page. Nothing is worth losing a life for. Money can be repaid, leases can be broken if needed, etc. If your social anxiety is impacting your life, it’s a good idea to reach out. Regardless of what has happened over the past few years, you have plenty of time to do a course correction. Family is family… and I’m sure that your parents and three sisters love you.
Listen, nothing is worth dying for. Don’t kill yourself over this. Parents love kids and they will forgive you, sure they’ll be a little upset but suicide is not an escape route. This life or death thing is serious, please don’t do it, don’t just run away and die.
Thanks for commenting. Given my circumstances, I would only be a major financial burden for them right now. I have no money, no job, no education. I only have $1500 + my car. My dad will be retiring in less than a year probably, telling them the truth will only break their hearts. I had planned on killing myself for about 3 years now. This is it, and I can’t bring myself to do it, I can’t even do the one thing I needed to do. It’s not like I’ll be leaving them alone, I have 3 older sisters.
Im a 31 year old crazy lady – I just went back to college a senior this year – I have social anxiety too. Please don’t. Your life has meaning, good meaning. Have you ever lost something important to you and you miss it real bad? Multiply that times a million and that’s what your parents would feel. I live with my parents now, I live off of the government because of my mental illness. Im not a burden on them – you are not a burden. You are a human being that deserves a chance at life.
If you were my son cbag90 it wouldn’t bother me, I’d feel just the same towards you. I think most parents would feel that way and feel sure yours will as well. Try not to fret.
@jj – Yes, I just gave away my two cats two weeks ago, they were my best friends. They meant everything to me, they were the best part of my life for the past 4 years that I’ve had them (as sad as that may sound). Putting them in their carrier for the last time was probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. I let them down, that’s the one thing I seem to be good at. I’ve done absolutely nothing with my life, all I do is leech off my parents.
Yeah that sucks big time cbag90…parting with your beloved pets, it hits hard hey. Hopefully you’ll get another pet in time but for now it’ll hurt. Good luck, it’ll be ok I’m sure.
the seconds when i’m shaking leave me shuddering for days
At least tell your parents, you may be suprised how supportive they are because in the end you’re their son. They may be upset at the fact you mislead them but they won’t want you to commit suicide over it, no way, they brought you up from a baby for what, to kill yourself. You sound like a caring son who couldn’t face seeming to fail in your parents eyes, but it’s time to be honest and draw a line under the past. Whatever you do instead will be better for them than to end it, take my word for it, tell them and see.
I am scared too sometimes. That’s what kids do when they are learning to fly – they “leech” off of their parents. I think you have the potential to actually take off and fly. I wish there was something I could do. Is there something I can do or say? What do you need from other people right now?
Seriously, I havent looked over everyones comments, but why dont you band aid the problem temporarily and get yourself a fake degree scan your friends one and tell them what changes you need made…
Then you can give it to them…. theyll not be concerned about you not having a job because people with degrees all know there are hardly any jobs… then you can pick the right time to break the news to your parents. Good luck now ill read over comments and the rest of your story
Google fake degrees… its a temporary fix. Btw I dont think suicide is covered in many insurance policies. So that kinds sux dude. Good luck
“If you commit suicide, while sane or insane, within two (2) years from the Effective Date, the amount payable by us will be limited to the sum of the premiums paid.” My insurance policy is about 5 years old.
To everyone that took the time to comment on my post: Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m going to drive to my parents tomorrow morning and tell my father everything. I don’t know how he’s going to take the news, probably not well. But I think I’d like to finally open up to someone about this. Before this post I never told anyone about the truth of my life. Not a single person in my life knows what I’m going through. I got so used to just putting on a smile and burying all of my emotion deep down since 2009. I’m going to contact my university on Monday to get another shot at my engineering degree. I wish I had a time machine and saved myself 5 years of misery, but better late than never, right?
Hey, I just found this. How did it go?
i do want to know too, cbag90.i hope you’re okay.i remember experiencing something similar.i couldn’t go home and face my parents because i failed a subject and was going to graduate 2 years later than i’m supposed to.i know it’s not the same as your situation, but i also was shaking in panic, i was alone in my dorm room thinking “how can i ever tell them i flunked again, i’m going to be delayed another year again?” that was the first thing in my mind when i woke up and the last before i slept.i then tried to commit suicide, but failed.then i just did it, i had no choice.of course, i broke down and everythng.anyway, what i’m saying is i have a sense of what you’re going through, and i do hope that everything went fine and that you’re okay.