Ready to go

To anyone who reads this.

I’m ready to go. I’m 60 years old, and have made a couple of mistakes that will, in a matter of days, destroy the rest of my life. I’m not staying around for it. At most, I may wait for confirmation. But I don’t want to wait to long, and lose my window of opportunity to do this.

I have assembled nearly everything I need for a suicide bag, including the helium, and hose. I still don’t have the elastic, and the little barrel nut thing for the neck cord. The local fabric store was packed. I’ll go back in later today and get that.

I have the large size Partytime helium bottle. I do NOT have the fancy gauge to ensure it’s full, nor do I have a regulator. To be honest, I don’t see how you’d adapt them to a parttime bottle anyway. I figure I’ll adjust it to fill the bag in about 1 minute, then turn it up slightly. That should do.

The reports I’ve read of people failing with this method left me thinking that the flaw they had was lack of sufficient gas flow. I hope I’m ahead of that curve. I think the size of the hose is important as well. To small, and it won’t supply enough gas. To large, and you risk introducing oxygen. Mine is 3/8″ ID. It’s probably on the large side, but should be alright. My bag is made per Nurse Betty. I however refuse to spend the exorbitant price they want for the regulator. They could make a cheap plastic flow restrictor that would do the job for a few pennies. It’s ridiculous to charge those prices for this kind of usage.

My plan for tonight, or tomorrow: I have a bottle of over the counter sleeping pills. I’ll crush them, and mix them with water to make a drinkable liquid, and I have a six pack of beer. Not a fatal combination, just enough to help knock me out.

I’ll drink a few beers, then the sleeping powder, washed down with another beer. That combination should bring sleep fairly quickly.

I’ll give that a short time (20 minutes?), and when I start feeling drowsy, I’ll put the bag on my head, turn on the helium, let the bag fill. Exhale all of my air, pull the bag down, and breathe the helium.

My regrets going into this: For work purposes I’m living away from my wife and kids. I’m not getting along with my wife, so no sweat lost there. My “kids” are all young adults, so they’re old enough to cope. It will still hurt them badly. To them I am extremely sorry.

Problem is, no one will know I’ve done this. I have no friends in this town, and it’s not uncommon for me to go long periods without contacting anyone. It could be weeks before anyone really notices I’m even gone. I have no idea how long my body will be sitting there. That concerns me a little. It’s rather a lonely feeling. I’ll be gone, and no one will know.

Also, I wish I had a friend here in town. It would be nice to have someone remove the hood after the event, and remove the helium. I’d prefer my family not know that this was self inflicted. But I have no such friend here. I guess it will be what it is. My few belongings will sit in the apartment until the management either throws them out, or donates them to charity. I have no idea as to the disposition of my car, and motorcycle. That does trouble me slightly.

All things considered, this seems better than jumping from a high bridge (I do have one available as a backup plan should this fail), or putting a shotgun under my chin (don’t have one of those.. kind of wish I did. It’s quick, simple, and effective, if not a bit messy).