I’m done with this fucked up life. I’ve made a list of pros and cons of my life and there are more cons. I did the same with suicide and there are more pros… My psychiatrist said I am a narcissistic psychopath, with a dominant gene for self awareness. When I told my therapist this he said it’s possible but your life is a living hell. All I do is hurt people and get joy out of it, but since I am self aware, I can see the destruction I cause. This makes me depressed and makes me lash out even more, causing more hurt and joy then depression. I am a bottomless pit of self destruction. My grandfather was that way his whole life (without the self awareness), and so was my dad. My stepbrother is also a psychopath but he covers it up by being high every waking second of the day. It is in my genes to live a life without happiness…
Recently I contacted my ex girlfriend and told her how I was feeling, and she bawled her eyes out and called me a selfish monster. I cannot tell anyone how I feel or they threaten to call the police. I just want to die and end a life time of misery that has happened, and has yet to happen.
My suicide attempts:
Overdose on valium (woke up and threw up)
Plastic bag over head (8 minutes in I ripped it off and threw up)
Shooting range, tried to shoot myself (someone grabbed me and he let me go when I said it was a joke)
Hanging myself (cord snapped)
Another overdose: 2 full bottles of advil pm, a bottle of Nyquil, two full bottles of Tylenol extra strength (slept for 20 hours, when I woke up I couldn’t feel my legs for 2 hours)
Helium Hood (tried to make it myself, put it over my head and realized it wasn’t airtight, and I felt like a jackass)
Tying hands behind back and repeatedly bashing my head as hard as I can against wood (passed out and got a bruised forehead)
I’m trying to buy a gun, or to get someone to help me with the Helium Hood.
(Letting you know I have seen 8 personal therapists, gone to 3 group therapy programs for months at a time, psych ward twice, I even tried to live happily for a year, but both of my girlfriends in that year tried to kill themselves, their families mainly blaming me for the amount of emotional pain I caused them.)
— forgot to mention I have severe depression, OCD, ADD, narcissistic personality disorder, Stress/Anxiety disorder, clinical psychopathy
2 comments
Listen, there is more good in you than bad. How do I know? Your self awareness. Just because you have self awareness doesn’t mean it is easy to change. But you want to change- I read it in between your words. At least I see it enough to say this.
Your family history set you up and your life experiences have lead you to believe you can’t be helped. That pain is as bad as the original hurt. 🙁 Can you see what I am trying to say? (words are so inadequate.)
You say you have had counseling 8 times. I have had 8 or 9 and they did not help. Does that mean I am doomed? NO! And neither are you.
I feel for you. I’ve wanted to die but something always stopped me. One night, I swear I hid my heart meds, like I was about to grab them all. Never mind when I woke, I realized there was another bottle on my night stand.
You have to keep trying. I know that is a tall order. But as for me, I don’t want to die feeling this. Crossing into death- whether there is a heaven or not- I don’t want this pain to a) follow me there b) continue to hurt me. After all how do we know it won’t?
Life is scary and it sounds like you’ve had your share of that scare. But you are worth all the work you do to get to the other side of this. I read a comment on another person’s post…can’t seem to find it now but it was something like…
Keep going for the sake of love. Love FOR YOU. By you because YOU are WORTH it.
That’s quite a list. A lot of them seem kind of impulsive though. If you were consistently sure wouldn’t you have taken the time to thoroughly research the cleanest method, bought the best equipment, and had reliable back ups for if the plan failed? I figure that’s what I’d do if I ever felt sure for more than a day at a time.
Obviously only you can say if the bad outweighs the good. If the suffering you experience is consistent and unendurable, and you have no hope it can be relieved, then I guess suicide is a rational choice, if you have nothing in the other column to outweigh it. If you have no fear of death, attachment to family/friends, or lingering submerged hope for a meaningful life, then there’s nothing keeping you here. But then why would you even take the time to post?
It doesn’t sound like the professionals you’ve worked with have a good understanding of what’s really going on with you. The labels they pin on you are less important than how you feel about the world around you.
I know a bit about taking pleasure from things that cause others pain, and the shame that can come when you fully appreciate the consequences. It often feels like there’s no way out of that spiral. It’s the worst feeling I know, and the desire to end yourself is huge. But I have other things outweighing that feeling, however flimsy they seem when I try to cling to them, so eventually the pain subsides to a dull ache.
Maybe, if you accept that a small part of you is still hanging on to life, and you are stuck here until it is finally overwhelmed, you’ll gradually decide that you want to change the way you relate to people while you’re still here. Perhaps then you’ll find pleasures more significant than inflicting pain on others, and a more meaningful life. Or perhaps you’ll continue on as you have, and eventually tip over the edge.
Regardless, I hope we both find peace.