TRIGGER WARNING
So I guess here’s a little about me. I choose not tell my age because I feel that just gives a reason for people to tell me that I have a long life ahead of me and things will get better and yada yada all the bullshit I’ve heard my entire life. Anyway, I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety since third grade as well as self harm and an eating disorder since fifth. I’ve attempted to kill myself twice before, the first one was not serious and I was in 8th grade and my mom found me and forced me to take ipecac to vomit etc, probably wouldn’t have affected me in any way other than making me sleep for a few hours maybe a day. The second time and most recent time was in September 2014. It was planned out for months, I had a set date and all the arrangements made. I took the pills and went to sleep hoping to never wake up. It would have worked too if I had taken what I did only 30 minutes sooner. When my mom found me I was in a coma and I guess on the 15 minute drive to ER I stopped breathing completely and my heart only beat 14 times a minute and my tongue had collapsed in my throat. They intabated me in the hospital and I was in a coma for 3 days. I kick myself every day for not taking them sooner. I was kept there for 2 weeks until they sent me to a eating disorder residential treatment center a few states over. I was at the treatment center for 3 months where they forced me to eat and made me ‘weight restore’ (aka making me gain 824829 pounds and get fat) which just made me feel even more worthless so I bullshitted my way out of the program and here I am back to my eating disorder behaviors. I want to kill myself in a for sure way. I don’t it to be messy, which sucks because the most certain ways to commit are messy so I’m not going to shoot myself and have my mother walk in to see my brains splattered everywhere and have someone scrape me off the walls. So it all comes back down to overdosing. In the next few months I could probably get my hands on the same pills I took last time and then add my new sleeping/antianxiety meds to the mix and probably some ibuprofen or some other otc med. What do you think? don’t tell me not to do it, that I “have so much to live for” and “it will get better” because I don’t and it won’t. I’m a depressed anorexic piece of trash and i don’t live for anything other than starving myself.
6 comments
Why u wanna kill urself? Is it a straight or a bi problem? Well nvm. U know u can ask for help here. And u should go to a physician so he could check u. And dont try to kill urself coz there is someone who cares for u and doesnt want to leave u. U r just here coz if ur mom and she saved u twice coz she cares about and ur friends must be in a great prain hearing that u tried to commit suicide. Help is everywhere but try to reach for it. And meds are for helping a patient not for killing urself
I want to die because honestly I feel worthless. I haven’t and most likely won’t do any good for society and I’m just a waste of space. I have seen a psychiatrist a few times and when I was in treatment I saw one 2 times a week. I know people care, I found that out when I attempted in September but that really doesn’t matter to me. I know it’s awful. I don’t see any future for myself: I have average intellectual ability, and I play piano but I’m not good at it. Two things that don’t matter.
There are many people who didn’t see much hope for themselves who go on to have great lives. I won’t give you a generic “things will get better” speech, but I do feel there are options you can explore before suicide.
If therapy isn’t helping, perhaps an actual doctor could be of assistance (as the above commenter mentioned). They may be able to help you with overcoming your eating disorder.
I do hope you will consider other routes before ending your life. Best wishes.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
Suffering from not only a mental illness but a eating disorder is extremely difficult to handle and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. There are several levels of anorexia in my eyes from totally not eating to only eating a tiny meal from time to time. However its a very hard disorder to overcome and you have to be committed to it. There are a Li if things you can do to loose the weight you want without starving yourself.
Examples of foods and beverages you can have guilt free that can help you become healthy:
1. Drink Ensure
2. Drink Chicken broth
3. Sip on sprite or ginger ale
4. Drink Gatorade/powerade
5. Drink Pedalyte
6. Eat 5 crackers or 2 pieces of bread daily and slowly try and eat a tiny bit more each day till you’re eating 3 meals a day.
7. Have a peanut butter sandwich.
If you feel like you just can’t eat then definitely drink the chicken broth and drink the ensure. Those with give you nutrients your body needs without forcing yourself to eat. It will help you get healthy but not let you feel all the guilt. No matter what I strongly encourage you to eat at least something each day.
Good luck and I really hope my advice helps. I am in no way an expert im only using things I know from my husbands health conditions that cause him at times to not be able to eat for days due to vomiting and I have to keep him hydrated and nutrients in him cause he’s also diabetic so I have learned some techniques.
Wow. Uhm. You’re determined as hell. I’d applaud you for it, but I’d rather try to talk you out of it instead.
If you do want to talk, my email is on my SP profile in some of my posts.
Don’t do it at home, go someplace in the middle of no place