I finished the note I want to leave for everyone to read after I’m gone. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind looking it over and making sure it sounds alright. I’d appreciate any constructive feedback.
I want you to know more than anything that this wasn’t your fault. This wasn’t anyone’s fault. There wasn’t any one thing in my life that brought me here and this is something that has been building up for years. I’m so sorry that by doing this I hurt you. I don’t ever expect you to accept my decision, but I hope that this can help you to understand a little bit about why I did this.
For all things considered, everyone would say that I have a pretty good life. I’m happier than most people ever are almost every day. I have the biggest hopes and dreams for the future. I have lots of friends and a few of them are really awesome. School is really easy for me and my business is going really well. I’ve gotten into really good shape this past year.
The truth is that I have felt so empty inside for so long. For most of my life, I have never felt like I belonged. When I was younger, I always seemed to be one of the smartest kids in my class. In middle school, I was pretty weird. I chose to be myself and that was really different from what people were used to. I got picked on a lot for it, but that ended by high school. People enjoyed that I wasn’t like anyone else and I made friends with everyone. It was really lonely though not having anyone that was like me.
When it comes to family, there is almost an obligation to “careâ€. I’ve seen so many people “love†someone who was a horrible and awful person, all because that person was family. I have had good friendships, but at the end of the day friendship is very temporary, especially in college. No matter how close or how good of a friend you are, eventually the other person has to live their life and they will be gone. Dating is a little bit different. It is the only type of relationship where someone else can let you know that you mean more than anything in the world to them. You get to know that they chose you, and no matter what you will always be the most important person.
The closest I have ever been to feeling like I belonged somewhere was in a relationship. I’ve been in about a dozen relationships and dated twice as many girls as that. Out of the relationships, I broke up with 3 of the girls. I broke up with those girls because they liked me because I was a boyfriend, not because of who I was. One girl just broke up with me and the other 8 left me for someone else. It is kind of silly I think this way, but to me that was worst than cheating. At least when you cheat it says “yeah you aren’t enough for me, but I still want to have you in my lifeâ€. When you get left for someone else, it just says that they found someone better and they don’t want you in their life.
The part that hurts the most is that for my entire life, I have never been more than a second or third choice at best. No matter who the person is, there has always been someone they care about and would rather have in their life more than me. I can’t really explain how it feels to have someone you care about so much decide that a stranger means more to them than you do. I guess it is kind of like being on a date with someone and have them check out other people while they are with you. This just isn’t so temporary and it hurts a lot more.
In the past 9 days, I have struck out with 6 different girls. The first girl decided that she wanted to sleep with my best friend and wasn’t interested in me after making out with me for an hour. The second girl decided that after talking to me a day or two that she would just ignore my texts. The third girl was someone I had fooled around with before. She is unattractive and out of shape. She said it was cool if I came over so I drove an hour and a half to rockhill. When I got there, she decided she changed her mind and didn’t even want to give me a kiss. The fourth girl is someone who I love and care about more than anyone in the world. We were thinking about dating again, so I brought my best friend up to meet her. Within 10 minutes of being there, she was all over my best friend and towards the end of the night she tried to get her to have sex with her. The fifth girl invited me out to a dance and ditched me as soon as we got there. The last girl went out with me but has no interest in me and is probably gay.
I just can’t handle being treated like this anymore. I could tell you 10 more stories just like this from the past semester. I could tell you at least 30 more from the past 2 years. It hurts so much to have this happen again and again and again. I haven’t given up on finding the right person for me, I just can’t handle feeling so alone and being treated so awful anymore. I don’t think it is worth going through this pain on a daily basis, waiting for someone that could take 8 years to find.
I don’t want you to think that this is a rushed decision because I have had my feelings hurt a few times lately. I promise you it isn’t like that. I have pushed through so much and tried to just be happy with myself. I traveled a little bit, did martial arts and I took up a few hobbies. Life just was still empty without someone to share it with. I signed myself up for counseling a year ago. We talked about how my life lacked a purpose and how I felt so empty. I have talked for hours with my closest friends about everything I have gone through. I have felt like this since high school. I have managed to make it through 6 years “waiting†for life to get better. I’m so sorry that I can’t bare any longer.
I know it isn’t really fair to ask you anything right now, but I’d like you to make me a promise. Please forget the pain I have caused you. Promise me that you will only remember two things. Remember me being happy with my goofy smile and that I loved you, so very much.
2 comments
You put alot of thought and time into that letter; thanks for sharing it. I want to speak to you intelligibly, without at all being dismissive of your feelings. I will do my best. One thing to start, though: No one who cares for and loves you CAN or WILL EVER forget the pain if you kill yourself. If you’re thinking right about now that I sound like some cocky expert on the subject, well, I’d have to admit to you that I am. You see, my only child, my adored daughter killed herself a few months ago, just a couple of months after we celebrated her eighteenth birthday. And mark my words, the devastation to my soul will be with me for the rest of my life. There is a community of loved ones who adored my daughter–friends, teachers, mentors many of whom still cry daily, all of whom will never be the same. Please note: You are not on this planet to live for others. You are here to learn the lessons your soul needs to heal itself, and yes, just like my own journey now, in trying to recover from the catastrophic loss of my daughter, there will be pain sometimes. It might even seem unbearable. But you are creating some dangerous stories, it seems to me, about these women’s disappointing, hurtful reactions to you as being some kind of reflection of your worth, or what may be possible for you in the future. Depression, a potentially deadly illness, puts a dangerous spin on things. Once depressed enough, we enter a kind of tunnel vision from which it can become impossible to even imagine a light anywhere, anytime. Yet you turned on your powerful light when you posted on this site. And if you think you need a woman–or anyone–to validate your worth, rather than you knowing your value (even if through the lense of deep depression you can barely fathom it), you will forever be anguished. Treat yourself with the lovingkindness that these women seem to keep witholding. Get a new therapist if you need to. I admit I do not know all the answers for you, and I am not in your shoes, but please try to open yourself to more hopeful possibilities, even in small increments. Build a better support network of supportive, loving others. Go feed the homeless for one hour–or any other volunteer work that touches you–and get acquainted with your connection to every other living being on this planet. You matter, even when you think you don’t. And, hidden deep within your suffering are the keys to learning to let yourself out of jail with your distorted thoughts. We mortals, I have learned in my own life, can become so masterful at getting into our own way. But we can also learn to get out of it. Your letter has touched me. And I know that the choice whether to live or die belongs to each of us, I have no right to tell you what to do. But I hope you will choose wisely for your soul. If you do, your choice will also be the right choice for those who love you.
Thank you for this opportunity.
You’re note brought me to tears. I’m bawling right now and I really do feel your pain. I’ve been through pain, whether it matches up to yours or not. The letter is beautiful, but crushing at the same time. If you love these people, you won’t make them go through this. I’ve known people that killed themselves. Many were relatives. One was my best friend. It killed me inside to know that he felt like this and I didn’t even think it was horrible. I’m not going to preach to you or tell you everything will be okay, because I know none of it will be true. I will be completely honest with you and say it’s going to take a long time to recover. There is a point of recovery though, I promise. People, like me, care more than you could ever imagine. No one in this world has an easy solution or all of the answers to fix your pain. I guarantee that there are many people in the world that are praying, hoping you give your life a chance. You don’t deserve to be treated like you have been. You don’t deserve for people to criticize you. You don’t deserve pain. You deserve happiness though, and death will not bring that to you. Death has no feeling, so you’re emptiness would only increase. What if your soul is conscious in death? You will be empty and alone. This idea is what got me away from suicide. I am now medicated, even though it took years to convince me to take medication. I thought it would just be like the pills themselves made me happy and that it wouldn’t be me anymore. I am the same person I have always been. You are depressed and should really consider medication. It will only help a chemical imbalance in your mind. You aren’t physically capable of being happy again without the chemicals in your body more balanced – it just isn’t possible. Just consider this, please. Take pills for a month. If you feel like life is worth living, then I will be unbelievably relieved, as will you and many other people. If nothing helps though, I don’t blame you for taking your life. Just please, please, please try all options. Email me if you ever need advice or just someone to talk to, even though you already have some. Being on this site means you still have hope, and I want to help boost it. hetariuss@yahoo.com Please consider this