I’m working on a story and though I’ve experienced dark days and depression I haven’t experienced the overwhelming darkness for weeks/months/years. How do I explain it in the story? What does it feel like? What does it look like? Smells? Sounds? Analogies? How do others perceive you?
aj@merlynsquill.com
2 comments
It’s subjective, so different for everyone.
For myself, from the moment I wake up I just wait for the sky to turn dark again so I can slink back to sleep. However when it gets particularly bad, I know with myself at least, my skin goes cold and clammy, my heart starts racing, my head feels like it’s on fire and my eyes burn. Everything sounds like it’s underwater or really far away and my vision is all blurry and jittery.
As far as smells go, I think depression smells like waffles… or printer ink, in that general ball park.
I feel devoid most of the time, as if I could maintain an empty stare anywhere for perhaps a few hours throughout the day without many pauses. Nothing particularly effects me deep down, most of my laughing or attention/concern is a façade. Kind of like if someone tells a really funny joke I may laugh but it still feels just as empty overall as if it held no merit and was just another passing event worth noting in the end.
My heart may races at times and things happening around me seem absent of anything pleasant, full of pompous fools only interested in themselves, for I am a cynical shell for the most part.
Thoughts and feelings of purpose, extreme worries of the future, questions of why the pain are constant and depressing. Brief bouts of happiness are always followed by depression that I have to enjoy these brief moments because that’s all I will ever have, tiny moments of happiness that lead to nothing stable or permanent. Searching for temporary thrills, like drinking, eating or sugar (coffee with 5 sugars) lets say just to pass the time.
Constant hope of ceasing to exist, knowing that everyone in this world is generally harmed by your existence. You deplete resources and space that is needed by genuinely productive and more deserving people. Your lack of self worth is a constant reminder of your inadequacy and failure.
Resent anyone who lives a normal, fulfilled life, with a happy family/upbringing. And then resent yourself for resenting them because its your fault not theirs. All of these feelings don’t just happen for a day here or there, they are constant for months/years, which differs from a little depression, to constant dark depressing days.
The smell would be consistent (at times) of something burnt, chemical (like his example of ink), or just maybe new wood just cut in home depot.
Others would perceive me (outside of my façade) as “strange”, cold, emotionless, a loser, enigmatic, not normal, sad, although at the same time the façade could be really convincing.
The best description of the “look” of things is like seeing a blurry, or cold image. A disconnected or seemingly distant relationship to everywhere you look. As if even though your vision is quite good and you know its the real world, your still quite distant from most things you come in contact with. Going through the motions but nothing holds much value to you. As if alive or dead you’d see things the same way, and you’d wonder if they hold the same merit either way.