Hate

For the past 7 years I’ve made decisions that only bring me problems. Every time it seems I overcome something, I’ll make a shitty decision that’ll drag me for yet another ride through unpleasant times. I can’t keep up with responsibilities and I’ve slowly but surely tried to get rid of them. One of the few things I was proud of in myself, the value I put in giving my word, is completely gone, as I keep telling people I’ll do something only to give up on it for what seems to be no reason at all. I was supposed to finish college this semester but I’m one year behind. Due to money issues, me being able to keeping attending would mean sacrifices on my family’s part. That’s something I don’t want because I don’t believe I can change and start attending classes after 3 years of not doing so at all. It would just be a waste. Surely one could say that should be used as motivation to set things straight, but judging by past experience I’m not the sort of person who cares about honoring people’s efforts to help me, even though I do hate myself for wasting opportunities and letting them down. Yet I feel cornered because while I won’t say I’ll work hard to stay here, I don’t want to go back to living with my parents either. The one reason I am alive right now is my boyfriend, but every day I can’t help but feel someone as selfish as me doesn’t deserve a guy that understanding and nice. Today I had a test. I didn’t go. Reason? None at all, I just didn’t feel like it. Then I spent the rest of the day ignoring phone calls and being terrified of confronting my parents about it. I’m completely lost. I have nothing I want to do, I have nothing I’m confident I can do at all. I’ve pondered getting some good old job as a supermarket cashier and keep living on my own, but I don’t think I could keep it. Whenever I sit down on a bus and close my eyes, gory images of me being tortured or killed. No one in particular is doing it, it’s just something spontaneously happening. Yesterday night I gave in after keeping the promise I made to my parents of not harming myself for 2 years. I hate myself for having broken it. I hate myself for every little thing but I’m too caught up in this self-image to even feel any sort of drive to change. I simply relish it at the same time I want it to end. I do have reasons to live. Just one or two things I care about, but they exist. However, I feel it’s harder and harder to cope with everything else. Sure, I have things I care about, but what can I do with them? My situation isn’t sustainable, and those things I care about won’t help in changing it. I have no idea what to do to turn things around. I just want to run away from everything that asks me for satisfactions, yet I don’t have the means to do so. I can name a number of things that could probably give me those means but between lacking the courage to make what could be a wrong decision (and what everyone tells me is a wrong decision) and fully believing I would just fail in the end, I stay away from them. There’s really no point to this disjointed mess of thoughts without proper formatting and not providing context or a reasonable flow probably makes it even more unreadable, but whatever. I don’t care. Guess I just needed to vent.