“WHO DOES REALLY CARE?”

For a person that is already struggling and have been struggling for years there  to see those is alot of extra hurt and pain when those ones closes to You don’t really try to help support or care so You continue to EXPERIENCE A LIFE FULL SORROW AND DISPAIR THAT IS PLACED ON YOU IN THE FORM OF MENTAL ILLNESS!  Which through My Wife And Two Daughter’s Eyes, Which By The Way, Believe In Christ Jesus, Plan And Simple That Their Husband And Father is just “CRAZY!”  How fun and rewarding it is to see those closes to You are more than Willing To Help These Demons Destroy A Loved One’s Life And Soul With Not Feeling One Bit Of Sorrow In Not Loving Unconditionally And Supporting To Help Fight The Enemy!  TO ALREADY SEE YOURSELF AS A MENTAL DESTRUCTIVE BOMB AND TO FEEL THAT NOT EVEN “GOD” CARES AND TO ADD TO THAT YOUR CHRISTIAN WIFE AND DAUGHTERS WOULD RATHER HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND WOULD LIKE YOU TO DISSAPERE FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH, why would someone want to stay in such a never stopping pile of Hatred, Resentment, Disrespect And Just To Be Looked As Being “UNLOVEABLE!”  For My Struggle And For My Desire To Try And Continue To Fight Is Pretty Much A Waste!  Why You Might Ask?  YOU ARE LIVING IN A TORTURED LIFE WHERE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY TO OVERCOME NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ASK FOR GOD’S HEALING AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND NONE OF THESE MUST NEEDS NEVER SHOW UP, THEN WHY WOULD I WANT TO CARRY ON IN A TORTURED MIND FILLED WITH HELL?  Just to see another Day Of Hoping Just Drift Away And Being In The Same Place!  I Am A Natural Fighter!  That is just a part of Me from where I grew up and the things that I have gone through as well as out here!  North Philly, A True Ghetto – JOHNSON HOMES PROJECTS – We Always Had Challenges Which A Lot Of Them You BarelyMade It Through And Walked Alot Of Those Same Challengs My Years Out Here In Cali. On These Streets In Life Threatning Situations Which I Wanted To DIE!  But now at this stage and all the struggle and Damage Of My Mind And Soul The Only Thing I See That Me Trying More And Instead Of Good Things Coming From That I Received Just More DAMAGE AND DESTRUCTION AND DISPARE TO MY WAISTED MIND!  And At A Point Where Even Your Loved Ones Don’t See Any Value To Your Life And No Matter What You Do Is Not Appreciated And Knowing If YOU FREED YOURSELF BY TAKING YOUR OWN LIFE AND THEY WOULD LOOK AT IT AS FREEDOM BY “GOD” THEN WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO CONTINUE!  And For Me, It Would Not Be A So Called “COWARD MOVE” because I know how Much Heart It Took For Me This Far, But It Will Be Because I Am Tired Through And Through And I Don’t Want To Any Longer Be A Hindrance And A Source Of Sorrow To Those I LOVE!  SOMETIMES THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR LOVED ONES, EVEN WHEN OTHERS MIGHT NOT AGREE, IS TO SET THEM FREE AND THE ONLY WAY I WOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT IS TO ERASE MY EXSISTANCE!  I JUST NEED PEACE AND HEALING WHICH I FEEL WILL NEVER BE GAINED IN THIS LIFE!