Please comment and make me feel valued.

It’s been a really bad week and it’s only just turned Wednesday.

I’ll start with Sunday, I decided to make the worst decision for my head, I went to the ex boyfriends (Dave) house and things got a bit heated. I ended up sleeping with him again three times in that short day, I regret every decision I made that day. I knew that if I did this then I would feel like shit after because he just “fucked and chucked” me again like the other million times this has happened. The overall day with him was good, although he did point out my cuts as I was getting re-dressed. I told him to ignore them and leave them, they’re “old”. His response was “No they’re not, they’re fresh, they’ve barely scabbed. Why do this for? Din”
That made me feel good. Hint the sarcasm there, although we had a good day other than that when I left and got on the train I really didn’t want to leave him, I almost cried when I got on the train because I know I won’t be seeing him again this week or next. So, later that night, I got thinking again, and I become extremely down and began to cry. Yet again, I cut.

So, Monday was an okay day. Apart from the fact I was bandaged and still slightly bleeding. Dance was good, and I made good progress in drama.
…Then things turned bad at home. I was having a conversation with the Dave’s best friend who told me he never cared for me in the slightest, that he’s never even liked me let alone loved me. I told her everything, how I can’t stay away because I’m so attached to him it’s not healthy. So being my usuall self I sent the reoccuring 2am text message to him.

The message:
Love it when you find out someone actually never gave a fuck about you and just lied. Thanks for that, don’t deny it, it come from your best friend. Everything was actual full on shit, why even bother saying that before? No need for any of it, If it was all lies was there? I asked if I bothered you, that was obviously a lie aswell. I know you won’t reply to this, just facebook it like usually. Genuinely so fucking angry and upset right now, apologies if this puts you in a bad mood like usual but this is harsh as fuck.

So yeah, I didn’t get a reply till 9pm tonight. “wtf was with that text?”. It turned into a full blown row where he got annoyed and went for a 2 hour walk. I was really worried as I didn’t want him to get hurt as he lives in a rough area and I know his track record of loosing his temper. So I text him asking him to go home and be careful because no matter how much I am upset with him I don’t want him to get hurt. His response was rather worrying as he started to speak about how he doesn’t know whether he will wake up with his mum still alive or not. I had this like major wave of guilt slap me in the face and I immediately had to say sorry for being such a ***** towards him today.

We kinda sorted things out towards the end of tonight but there’s still a little bit of tension, I only text him that because I’m scared it’s true, he claimed it isn’t and that he’s never said any of it. He said that he’s cried countless times at how he’s hurt me. I just want him to realise how much he means to me and how all I want to do is be with him and try and make him happy. But, he “doesn’t want a relationship”, I’ve heard this all before. It’s all lies. It’s because somethings wrong with me. I know it, he’s not attracted to me. It’s because I’m fat and ugly. It’s true I know it.

I really can’t take this anymore, I’ve been so stupid with myself, my arms are horrific and disgusting. They hurt and they burn and they sting. I just want all of this to head, it’s so confusing and I don’t know what to do. All I think of is death. How I’d do it, where I’d get my equipment and how long it would take.
Please give me advice, don’t tell me to move on because I don’t want to. He’s saved my life twice this year but convincing me not to take my own life. I love him. I really do.
I just want to die. Painfully. So everything I’ve ever done to him, I can feel.