As I always say, I’m just this simple girl, a college student. I came here after this site caught my attention. I could relate so much the stories I’ve read..like this place is somewhere I belong and the people in here are those that I could get along with. Those feelings, grief and confusion that are evident on those entries, I know..
Since I’m just a new member, It’ll be good to start with describing who I’am. I’m 18, and lives in the Philippines. In those years of my existence, I felt so much pain, fear and hatred. I’ve been attached to those unwanted memories from the past; a devastated family, the failures, the sacrifices. No doubt these pulled the trigger— for me to hate my life and even my own existence.
Living a life like this made me so hollow. I let go of the hope to become a felicitous person. And upon learning not to expect happiness, I began to hate everything around me. I put into mind that nobody cares. If I trip while running, no one would give a damn to help me stand. Or even if I disappear, not a single person would look for me.
I’am alone— that was how I saw myself, and there was no way to make it good..and that thing made me come up with that idea—suicide. I was in third year high school when I started cutting my wrist and watch my blood angrily flowing over it. I never felt the physical pain, but the relief. It was a light feeling that I’ve always wanted to have. I knew I was doing wrong. But then, I just can’t stop. And now, living a busy college life, I do forget doing such thing but when there is a reason to it, I can’t resist. I really don’t know how to stop my act, ’cause this has become a habit..that is..unbreakable.
4 comments
Hi ohhyanapotato
Firstly, welcome 🙂 I found that I could relate to many of the stories on this site too. This sites kind of been something that’s been keeping me somewhat alive.
I know what you mean- about the pain, hatred, feeling of failure… Like everything. Those words could have come out of my own head. Just wanted to know that I care- and you’ll find many others on here do too 🙂 and that even if you feel so alone, I’m here 🙂
I have problems with self-harm too. I’ve been a cutter for about 2 1/2 years now (I’m 15) it’s really hard to stop for me too- it’s like a habit; something I do to punish myself… to test myself…
Have you ever heard of the Butterfly Project? It’s this thing were you draw a butterfly on your arm (or wherever you cut) and let it fade away naturally; as in, not by purposely washing it. By not cutting and letting it fade, you’ve let the butterfly live and it’s flown away. It’s a good motivator- trying to keep the butterfly alive. It’s hard at first and you may slip up a couple of times (I did and still do!) but for me, it’s nice knowing there’s something that can stop me from cutting.
Anyways, hope things get better for you.
xx
Hello and welcome. I understand how bad the urges can get when you feel the need to cut yourself. I began cutting when I was twelve years old. Now I’m twenty. I’ve been on this site for two weeks now. I made one of the bestest friends here. It sucks though that they live so far away. I’ve stopped cutting on May 26th, at around 7:26 pm (my time) because I made a promise to a dear friend of mine who’s here too. That promise saved me many times when I wanted to give up. Yeah…
People here care ohhyanapotato. I hope life gets better for you.
It’s very touching to find people who cares for something like this. I never thought that there are one’s existing who thinks that this problem matters. Thank you so much for commenting on my first post. You two have encouraged me so much.
For vmy19, nope I never heard of the butterfly project until you told me so. I searched it over the net. and man..it’s amazing. All I thought was that I’m the only person who has this thing on me. And discovering this wonderful Butterfly Project opened my eyes to a world where people like me exists.. those who are willing to prevent themselves from doing such thing..Thank you so much for letting me know about it. I hope this would be effective.
To Umbra_Artist, Thank you very much for the warm welcome. You’ve made me feel so great.. and I’m happy that you were able to overcome it. Thanks to that dear friend of yours. I hope I could find one here too. 🙂
ohhyanapotato, of course you’ll find someone here too. And your welcome. Stick around and remember to keep your chin up. We’re all multi-colored fish in the cyberspace sea, friend. :]