QUITE WORTHLESS NO GUTS, I FEEL EVEN WORSE NOW

My life has always been crap but it was made worse in 1997 when i was hit by a high speed semitrailer which broke my back, leg, 3 ribs and a finger. I have been in constant pain since then. I have been on MS Contin most of the time. I did try the Duragesic75 for a short time but found they didn’t stick well.

I lost all hope in 2009 and started crushing my MS Contin pills and injecting them. I thought with my severe sleep apnea and abusing morphine that I would easily stop breathing in my sleep one night but I didn’t. I’ll be turning 50 in January and I have no family of my own. I have no friends. I don’t work. I’m on a disability pension. I just went 5 days without leaving my house, showering or getting out of bed.

I have no reason to live but I seem to have gone past the stage of wanting to die. I have previously really wanted to kill myself because I hated not enjoying anything. Living a life with nothing to ever look forward to was intolerable for me and I really wanted to die but now I seem to just exist in a dissociative, depersonalized state. I have no energy and no motivation to do anything and this seems to include not having the energy to hate my life. I seem to be just existing oblivious to any real emotions that I once had.

Well, that was fucked, I could have told you that things will get better and you will one day enjoy life but, that’s not reality. Well, not my reality, maybe it is yours, I don’t know but not being able to kill yourself is a normal human thing. We have evolved with a drive to go on living as best we can and our bodies seem to adapt to the situation. I think my body has just gone into suspend mode, reserving battery life and only running the bare minimum basic applications that allow me to exist. I just don’t have the energy to push Ctrl/Alt/Del. I do hope you can find the drive to Reboot, even if it is only into “safemode”.