I have been reading this site for a while now and decided to register and write about myself. I don’t know when my problems started, when I started to loose confidence, motivation, joy ect. I remember a time that I always mention when talking to a new “help” person. I was sitting on the matt in primary school, I would have been roughly ten and I just remember feeling very self-consciose, very seperate from everyone else. I found that a very unpleasant experience. I don’t know if it was the first time I had experienced it or maybe it was to a degree that I really payed attention to it. I think the latter, because these thing gradually build. But that state that I remember experiencing then is my default state now. It is like being stuck in the mind or not in the zone, in the present. I started taking anti-depressants when I was 17 and I’m now 24. I’m still on them, different ones though. I don’t know what to say really, I cant be bothered talking about my history, people can ask me questions if they like. I’ll just talk about now. I’m seriously considering suicide and after some research have decided that i like the sound of the ******** option, so I can sigh eternally. I don’t know how to get a ******** cylinder though. I’m in New Zealand, if anyone knows I would be very very thankful. I’m so sick of day after day being the same. It reminds me of experiences I would sometimes have when playing computer games like doom for example, when you have killed all the monsters you can find but no new doors open and you keep going round  and round and round searching for the way to finish the level until in a state of complete boredom and frustration you jst turn it off. The idea of death excites me sometimes because I know that it will be a total change from what I’m used to experiencing. I’d like comment and questions, because I find it hard to know what to write. I want a different me or death, I don’t want more of the same.
6 comments
Hey im 23 and from Australia. Welcome to the site i hope it can help you in some way. Oh and can i just ask something really random regarding your username….leonardcohen, does he sing the theme song of the sopranos show?
hi, I am brand new to the site, just stumbled upon it today. I have no idea where to find a ******** gas cylinder in new zealand though. I haven’t gone as far as to find a way to kill myself yet, but I do have suicidal thoughts and it excites me too I guess because my life mundane and uneventful so to some degree I can understand that.
I had a difficult time in school too, but once I stepped into the working world things got better, then after my divorce everything fell apart and went downhill for me, and that’s why I am here.
Doom is a great game. Like any maze, just follow a wall and you’ll reach the end. Keep hitting the open command; id liked to hide secret doors all over the place.
You’re 24, what do you do for a living?
I’m not familiar with the sopranos song. But i think he might sing it, if the voice is very deep then It is him
I don’t work, I live with parents and get benefit.
I’m in a similar position. I just turned 21 and moved back with my mom after the lease to my apartment ended. It’s annoying having to live at home again but I’m trying to find a job in order to get another apartment. Work and activity seem like good remedies to the everyday doldrums, but life in general seems to be going nowhere. We constantly have to work and work, nothing ever ultimately gets accomplished, and then we’re old and can’t work. I see my friends working 40+ hours a day and how exhausted they are even on the weekends… I wonder if it’s worth anything.