I am hospitalized again by my psychiatrist less then week after getting out . I guess suicide attempt is not easily forgotten even though they say it is for correction of medication.
Funny thing is that I actually feel it is simple to be in this mental hospital. You don’ t have to do anything here. Just be. Maybe my indifference about doing things is symptom of depression and also my new suicide plans but I don’t know. I am not sad or anything just indifferent.
Of course I have a psychologist here but I don’t have much to say to her. I’m not going to confess her my suicidal thoughts or that I lurk on SP. I think decision about my life belongs to me alone and I don’t want more pills or more time somewhere in the hospital. Actually more time doesn’t sound so bad considering what I have in mind but yeah… Also I don’t see what a psychologist can say to a person like me that would change anything…
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I lurk on SP too.
Good morning. Glad you are still with us. How are you feelinf?
Hey. I feel gloomy. I had art therapy session and I was remembered everything I had and was before I burned everything to the ground. Oh well guess it wasn’t very therapeutic after all.
That is exactly why I use a firm “going forward” attitude. I was at marriage counseling two weeks ago and he kept talking about this and that in the past and I said “look, I’m not going to rehash all this past stuff, can we just talk about going forward, now are we going to fix this going forward”, then pointing the the guy I’m married to “I really don’t want to sit around pointing fingers and blaming each other for the mess this relationship is in”. Yeah I totally get that. Sitting around hearing about all the shitty things I’ve done or sitting on my hands listing all the things I have lost or what could have been? Fuck that. Just fuck that all to hell. Tell me how I rebuild going forward so I can fix this and start feeling alive again.
Yeah once you try to commit suicide they watch you and try to keep you on meds for the longest time. If you mention you want to kill yourself again they hospitalize you. You have to play the game and make like you just made a simple mistake and at least pretend that your getting better. Ive been through the routine several times.
Here is the really interesting thing about that I ask myself, why do they try to make people live who don’t want to? I used to think like that, like OMG you are suicidal, i need to save you, but since coming to this forum, listening to everyone’s stories, I’m not so sure that is the way to go. I mean, really we are all adults here, well most of use, aside form the teenagers that don’t have legal rights yet (i have no opinion on that) I see it as a matter of free will. Why continue to make someone live in pain when nothing is working. I mean, if you try to kill yourself, why are we locking people up? Do Dr.s really think that locking someone in a hospital for three or five or eight days is going to fix them? Well maybe some of them, but the folks here that have tried seven eight times in the last two years, I mean that sounds like a terminal illness to me.
Gosh that is bleak. I guess I’m rather bleak today.
It’s bleak but it has a point. Even if you lock up a petson for 40 days(it is possible here) it probably wont change the mind of decided person. Maybe deepens the conviction.
I also believe that life or death is a matter of free will to a person. I guess I don’t see suicide as so dramatic. People don’t do it just because.
I didn’t have to mention anything before they hospitalized me, but my mother called psych and said I was whitdrawn or sth and there you go. I can’t say I made a mistake cause I left a letter and you don’t lie before train by mistake. But I need to “get better” indeed. This is my first experience. Thanks for advice!
I will say this, walking forward in life has saved me time and again. Truthfully, I don’t want to die because I am depressed. I get depressed but that isn’t the danger in my life. The danger is mania. I either get so manic I can’t think straight and just want to end the confusion or I get a really good manic period going and feel really good, start all these fantastic projects and then mid way through everything crashes around me, and all I can think about is how good I felt and can’t recapture that no matter how hard I try. But it isn’t the depression. It is the insanity in my head that I can’t stop. I came really close to just ending a little while ago. I had a friend talk me off the ledge, but now I’m pretty sure if I get that bad again I might not let him no, no matter how nicely he tries to pry it out of me. Which makes absolutely no sense. I mean who wouldn’t want the help of a very nice kind loving friend I have known my whole life? I don’t tend to look too deep into why I do things sometimes, I look too deep and I may not like what is looking back at me, right?