Lifeline.

I tried to contact one of those chatlines, because I needed to call someone from the Alzheimer’s organization to figure out how to deal with my dad, but I was 4th in the waiting line.

So I decided to check my work email to pass the time, since I worked from home today.

I had an email from one of my managers, because I have a project that is over a month late.

I think I may lose my job soon if I can’t get it together. I don’t want to lose my job.

I love my job, and I worked hard for it, but even love of my job doesn’t seem able to override the self-loathing and exhaustion resulting from simply existing.

I care enough to have tears swimming in my eyes and my heart aching (more than usual) and a lump in my throat, but I don’t care enough to not still try to fight the exhaustion. I know I won’t be able to sleep, but I’ll still be exhausted.

I got the sleeping meds so I can pass out as quickly as possible tonight, at the very least.

I wish my friends didn’t suck. Or if it’s actually the case that I suck, then I wish I knew that. I wish someone were there for me. I wish someone would help me. I wish I wasn’t such an effective repellent.  I wish I had other options.

I wish I were dead.

I wish I were dead.

I wish I were dead.

(I never reached anyone in the chatline. But it doesn’t matter now, I guess.)