April 24th 2016.
The gut wrenching day that I lost my Mom. My never doubtful amazing support system. My rock. My role model growing up.
She’s gone.
I wonder how long I’m going to continue to wake up everyday hoping it was a nightmare, and didn’t really happen? Everyday that I wake up and realize that this is my new reality… I feel like I’m being told for the first time again that she’s gone. I’ve gone through a rollercoaster of intense motions the last month or so. I’ve gone from shocked, to being extremely upset, to being angry to being extremely confused.
I have a billion unanswered questions. Of course there’s the obvious “Why?”, the “Was I not good enough to keep you around on this Earth and in this life?”, the “How could you do that to Dad?…..better yet to our whole family??”
I’ll never get the answer for these questions.
6 comments
I’m assuming she committed suicide-since you didn’t state it explicitly. People have their own reasons to go. I know it’s not an answer-but that’s the trouble with the human mind, we think there’s always a rational answer to everything and that if only you talked to her you might get her to change her mind.
Suicide for some is an easy decision-for others, it could take decades to arrive it. I learned early my life wasn’t so great and I didn’t want to live anymore-but I shelved the idea of suicide and brought it back out in some of my lowest points in my life. Truth is that I couldn’t go through with it out of fear of death and fear of botching it and of course not having an easy, guaranteed, safe and painless method. However I think people reach a point where they no longer fear the ‘what-ifs’ of suicide, they just go ahead with it.
Like you my mother is my rock and has helped me a lot and continues to do so till this day. Her life in many ways was worse than mine but she ruled out suicide because she was brainwashed as a Christian. I worry for her future but I prefer that she stays around for a long time. However there is a right time to go for everyone.
I’m only hanging in there because I feel things could turn around for me but I have no love for the world nor does the world love me and there’s not much keeping me here. The only reason I won’t end my life right away is because of my family-but one day if they fully lose value in my eyes and if I am not succeeding in life-I will say ‘fuck it’ and find a way to end it. I feel I’ve suffered enough and got very little joy out of it. While people are fucking their brains out, partying, enjoying life, I’ve been extremely lonely (romantically) and have just been struggling to make ends meet.
I also find that a few people distrust me-despite being the most loyal, reliable and dependable friend they have. Meanwhile they’ve stabbed me in the back and exposed things I expected would remain confidential. Not to mention that life is fucking hard even when you’re living it normally-being forced to go to work, deal with the shit there, then issues at home. If your job is not rewarding enough-it’s not worth it at all. Then you have to deal with conniving, devious, untrustworthy people or those who start shit with you for nothing because of their own crap.
Perhaps your mother simply reached her breaking point as some people do. Never blame yourself-I’m sure you were in her thoughts but she probably felt that she couldn’t go on with life. We’re all going to die one day, someone will lose you and me. We’ll lose other people before we’re gone-sadly that’s how life is. We lost some family pets over the years, one day you’re enjoying their company then a few years later they disappear.
I carry on because there’s a carrot on a stick driving me forward-this illusory belief that once I’m doing better financially I will get everything I missed out on while I was growing up poor. We’ll see what happens, I’ll have my answer later this year. Before I die I just want to know I did everything I wanted to do and I’ll feel contented. To pass away without experiencing things is just a waste of a life. Excuse me for carrying on, I guess it had my thinking about my situation also.
Thank you so much for your words and thoughts. I hope everything keeps going well for you and your family.
Peace be with you.
The threads of who my mother was are woven into me, so she is always with me. The same for you.
Anger, guilt, sadness, shame, and confusion are normal at times like these. Numbness, too. Don’t be afraid of your feelings.
With the passing of time you will have a better understanding of why she left you behind.
My mom took her own life 14 years ago this month. I miss her, but I’m glad she is no longer in pain.
I appreciate your kind words and thoughts. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your mom as well. I hope things are going well for you at this time in your life though.
I felt the same way when i lost my dad. He was from natural causes but he was still young. I miss him everyday. Every f…in day. My life would be so much better if he was still around. Now i only have my mom. I am taking care of her the best way i can. If anything happens to her it will my ending as well. I love her so much she stood by me to all my difficult moments. Be well hdd7474 and always remember her.
Losing a parent, whether it be from natural causes or from suicide, is extremely hard to get through. I’m sorry you have had to experience that as well. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts though. They are very much appreciated.