I want to forget everything

I want to forget this house and these people i want to forget the life im leading i know if i continue on this path it’ll lead me straight to the darkness within myself that im so afraid of i move in just a few short weeks i haven’t continued with packing or clearing my room despite my needing to I’m honestly afraid this won’t change anything i need something I’m being torn apart by the two people who tried to raise me my father who beat me and tried so hard to forge me into someone with no feelings no emotions no regret he just wanted me to be so cold towards the world and i don’t know why along with my grandfathers teachings who has tried to teach me do whats right and protect everyone you can my grandfather has tried to explain what love is to me but i want to cry becausei see why I’ve become and because the only love i knew was not getting beat for getting good grades i want to beat my father to a pulp before i move for stealing my heart away at such a young age I’ve tried so hard i can’t love anyone not my own family not any of my former girlfriends they’re all just there to me and it wouldn’t make a difference to me if they were gone or not i know because over the years little by little family died as well as friends left or died and it never really phased me the things that happened when i was young i had to turn my emotions off it was the only way things made sense it was the only way to move on I’m so lost i don’t know how to make it better because it seems like everyone in this house has tried to pulnge me further into darkness i am so tired of fighting through this if i knew what came after death i would have killed myself by now i need to go to sleep but i can’t because it’s gotten to the point where my mind is being shattered because im going against everything i was taught i need to attain death or clarity soon before i lose whats left of my mind