Not all pain disappears

Alot of people told me it would get better. But here I am years later still feeling this agonizing crippling pain in my heart. The scars are all healed and I am not in my past. Yet the memories of it all remain and I am haunted by feelings I can’t seem to explain.

I am different now and hoped I was stronger. That everything I fought through would somehow drive me to want to live and be successful despite it all. But how do I move forward as if none of it ever happened?

I am damaged and I will always be. The pain that comes along with this is never going away. Some days it is dull and there in the background. And then there are days like today where I realize that good things never stay. And if there is nothing good that can come into my heart because of all the hurt and fear that has locked it up then why should I stay? What is the point when everyone else has moved on? I can go anywhere and I will still carry this burden. And I am tired of carrying it. I am so tired of all of it. My head is in the same space it was years ago. Death is probably the best option for me. The simple answer to fixing all these emotions is to make myself not feel anything at all. To end the darkness the way it began, with pain and then nothing. My entire being is begging for it. But for some reason my soul is still waiting for someone to notice my inner turmoil and save me.

I don’t know if this post is my soul crying out for help one last time or if it is just me accepting my inevitable fate and just stating my jumbled thoughts for anyone who relates so they know thy are not alone. Either way the pain is still here tonight. But so am I, and I don’t know what to make of that.  The pain hasn’t disappeared, but will I?