I couldn’t breathe today. And I am not sure why. My normal is having this mix of pain and hurt in the back of my mind. Yet, after so many years I am not really feeling any of it. It is as if I don’t really live. I just exist.
But today I felt this breathtaking pain in my heart seeping through my body like venom ready to give me what I have always wanted. My mind got foggy, flashes of my past ran like a movie through my head and then the hopelessness creeped in. And I thought I would revert back to being numb. Almost as if this was some sick episode of anxiety that I would get over. But as the day continued all these negative emotions and thoughts were running through my mind.
It is ironic that I should have chosen my name to be RestrictingHeart because that is exactly how I would describe my experience today. That is what it felt like. My heart and soul felt like it was being surrounded by all of this suffering and my breath was taken away by it all. I thought I would die from my body just giving up for me. The high and low provided by this experience was more powerful than anything I could have had with my drugs and alcohol.
I cut today to see if it would somehow take the pain and focus it somewhere else and now I am just left with looking at another way I taint the world. My blood staining the perfection of everything else.
I feel as though I deserve this in a way. Like I need to be feeling all of this and being numb for that short while was just a gift given in pity. My own body and mind knows I need to be feeling this way. As if this is my fate. And I sit here and wonder if my death, the way I am imagining going, is part of my fate too. Maybe I am actually being foolish to think I could avoid it. Today was like the world was telling me to get it over with already. I just don’t know what is worse, trying to live with this pain to appease others who for some unknown reason tell me I am ‘worth’ something, or mustering up the guts to just go already because it has been a long time coming. Life is pain for me. I realized the harsh truth of that today. That is something that will never change.
5 comments
Life unfortunately can be painful. Your posts speak to me you say a lot of things ive said before.particularly saying that you just exist. I know what that is like. I wish you felt better
I wish neither of us ever knew what this feeling was like. Just existing is not living. Sometime I laugh at the fact that I want to end my life because really it is not much of one. But I am glad I can give you something in my posts that speak to you. Sometimes I feel as though I am writing for nothing. Yet I think we all post for ourselves in a way so that is okay.
Im sorry yur goin through a rough time I personaly dont like to give. Anyone advise becuz wtf do I know all I want to do is die but ill say this at least yur here wit ppl who understand in this moment right now
I appreciate your comment a lot. I don’t really think any of us are fit to give advice unless it is asked for. But honestly as sad as it is I am glad that I am not alone in this moment, that people understand this. I can breath for the first time today. And it feels somewhat painless. So thank you.
Thank yu for bein here right now