I am hurting again right now. Am I ever not going to be?! I can’t stand this feeling anymore. It is literally tearing me apart I always hated the word deserving. Almost as if it was poison when spoken. How could anyone be deserving of hurt and pain? But now I know.
I know that I am not a good person. I know that I messed up and I deserved this. I know that I hurt people with my walls and secrets. I know I don’t deserve friendship anymore. No one really knows me, all of me. I am not this kind, fighting spirit that everyone says they see. My advice comes from nowhere! It literally means nothing. I know I deserve to die and feel alone and in pain.
So why is it still so awful when I am told I am an awful person. That I am hated. Why did it hurt so much when I was told I am horrible. It is like it is okay for me to think it but how could someone say it too me? Maybe it is out of pity. Maybe I am so close to being completely broken that knocking me down to get it over with is mercy.
Is that why it happened? Was I always this hopeless and damaged that this is why everything happened to me? Did they know I had nothing to fight back with? Did they know I wasn’t strong enough to get them off? Did they know I wouldn’t tell anyone? Does everyone else but me know I will be gone soon?
I wish I knew. I wish I wasn’t so naïve before. I wish I wasn’t dead inside already. That was the final blow. I understand now. I did this to myself. I am deserving.
9 comments
I understand. I’m sorry. I wish I could say more, but I know that there’s nothing I can say that will make it better. I understand that feeling of “deserving”. You’re not alone in that regard. I hope this helps. If it doesn’t, I’m sorry.
It helps. Trust me it does.
I appreciate it.
But don’t apologize so much. I’m sorry is not necessary and you obviously didn’t do anything wrong. You showed support. That is something good. Thank you.
I always thought de-serving was when grandma made you put the second helping of mash potatoes back.
Yeah, I hate that word, too.
Haha I have no response to that. You are great. Has anyone told you that lately? Cause if not I can tell you again.
Everyone here deserves better than what they got. None of us deserve to want to kill ourselves because our lives are fucked up. You don’t deserve this terrible life. You deserve to be happy and to be free from anything that hurts you. I completely understand that feeling, because I have messed up far too many times. But no one remembers that, not even the little gnomes working hard to make everything just happen and make our lives work. Nothing really happens because we deserve it, it happens because we messed up and it upset someone. But hopefully your feeling if deserving this is temperary because it sucks. Good luck and please don’t hate on yourself too hard.
I am my own worst critic and enemy. I can tear myself apart 10 times worse than anyone ever could. But I am trying to work on that. I hope this feeling is temporary too. I am very tired of feeling it.
Thank you for your response. You are thoughtful and kind. I appreciate that.
Welcome. We are tired if living. We sleep to take our minds off things. We wake up and try to forget things. Self hate is the worst enemy, and far more dangerous than the haters if you can’t control it. It is harder to pit yourself back together if you were shattered by yourself. It’s a constant struggle. We are just temporary, everything is. No it might not all get better, it does often get worse, but you can fix some things. Take baby steps. Stay strong, it’s a tough journey.
Someone just told you straight up that you were an awful person? They sound pretty awful themselves. I’m sorry.
Well maybe. But either way they were right. So that doesn’t really change anything. :/