July 2, 2007

This is a story that I have written about “My Perfect Suicide.” I posted it about 2 months back and had a few comments about it but I wanted to clarify that this is a true story that happened 07/02/07 (4 days before my 18th bday) and I survived.

“Tears slowly rolling down my discolored face comes from pondering my short fate. I listen to my left blinker click in the distant background of my thoughts while I wait for my turn to enter the freeway heading east toward the dusky sky. Getting the green arrow, I squealed the tires on my red Mustang GT. The car rocketed across the stretched road onto the freeway. I made my way through six lanes of traffic into the carpool lane. My heart matched the speed of the car, which became a hundred and forty miles per hour, and my stomach was left behind at the signal light. I reached into my cigarettes and nervously placed one in my dry mouth. I flicked the lighter and watched the sparck burst into a flame that commenced dancing to my impending doom. Taking one last drag off the disgusting stick, a wounded laugh was forced out of my mouth from know what was ahead. I calmly jerked the steering wheel to turn my engine compartment toward the south concrete wall. I finally reached the last few deadly encrypted sentences in my explicit book as the car brought me closer to the end of my short fate.”

Ill try to summarize to the best that I can for what lead me to things. When I was born, I was born sick. For the first 3 years of my life, I was pretty much in bed. My father raped my mom and left me with a brother and took off to another state. When I was 5, I was cured of my sickness, but something else started happening. Everyday for a couple months, my brother and I were left with some young baby sitters. Well they turned out to be druggies who enjoyed drugging us up and abusing us. They even killed someone in front of us. Because of these actions, I’ve been scarred my whole life. All throughout elementary school, I was picked on and had no friends other then my brother. Even my brother deserted me because I made him look bad. I had plenty of friends in middle school and actually became somewhat popular and normal. My grandfather (whom I loved and was very close to) had died.  During high school, I was left with hardly any friends again. I was assulted 3 times in 1 month. I got a shitty minimum wage job working at a theater and saved for a mustang that I got for my birthday. I started becoming noticed again but didn’t care because I didn’t want to be treated nicely for something that I had. My car got broken into so my step dad let me borrow one of his all original acode 66 fastback and with my luck, I ran it right into a light pole in a cold-a-sack (spelling?). So I popped all the pills that were in the medicine cabinet as a suicide attempt. This was my first one. All that happened was I got really drunk and really sick. About a month later, one of my really close best friends died; she was my dog. I never knew how much that could hurt but it really messed me up. So my second suicide attempt was slitting my wrists 4 times in a playground. My senior year, I finally got a girlfriend who cheated on me and left me for some other guy at the end of the year. At night during the summer after I graduated, I had no one left in my life so I took off 100 miles north of here, hoping I could find a beautiful resting place for myself. Someone knew I was upset and had called my parents. Well the called the police and put a track on my phone. I had actually turned my phone off for that exact reason so I made it to Heber and got out of my car. Well I got the feeling that it wasn’t right for me to leave without saying any good byes so I headed home. After getting to Payson, I stopped for some gas and turned my phone back on to call my mom and tell her I was coming home. I left my phone on cause I thought maybe I was in the clear, but sure enough, I got pulled over. I thought this part was a little rediculous but 10 cop cars pulled me over and each car had 2 cops. They ALL pointed their guns at me, told me to open my car door from the outside, place my hands behind my head and walk backwards. They arrested me lol… Oh and they took my car to the police station to search it for weapons cause I told them I had several in the car, and instead of a tow truck taking it, one of the cops drove it. Lol he was actually scared to drive it cause it was so fast. They said if I decided to run, they wouldn’t be able to keep up. Anyways, they decided to just take me to a hospital and have me evaluated by a psychologist and my parents would have to come and pick me up. So the lady asked me a bunch of questions and said I was completely fine so she suggested that I be let go. So we got out 7 am that morning and my parents to me to breakfast and talked about what was going on. I told them that I was fine and there’s nothing to worry about. Well after I get home, I said my apoligizes to the few people that I did talk to. I stayed up that same night and wrote a really long suicide letter. The next day, I went to work, got off, and wrecked my car in the attempt to take my own life on 7/2/07.

I don’t know what this means to people but it had one of the biggest impacts on my life. I did not hit anyone. This all took place on a 7 lane freeway during rush hour traffic in the busy city of Phoenix, AZ. I actually darted across from the carpool lane through all 6 lanes straight across and after hitting the wall, I went all the back across to the car pool lane sideways. I got lucky in so many ways. I had no seat belt, my car didn’t roll, I hit no one, I didn’t even black or pass out. I only ended up with a bitten through lip and a shattered femur bone which i healed within 2 months time. I also got lucky with the law. 2 years prison of a class 6 felony dropped to a class 2 misd. of only community service, a driving class, and a suspended license. I got my license back before I was even able to walk again.

There is NO hope in suicide and I have pretty much overcome all of my intentions of hurting myself after this day.

I’ve put myself through a lot and after so long of trying to end my life, I kinda see the reason to be worthless. It seems like it is better to live the one life that I do get then to try and waste my time planning violent and disgusting ways that I can die, better yet planning ways to hurt and neglect those people close to me.  The hardest part of this whole thing was facing those people and telling them the truth myself of what happened that day. The investigators knew everything that was going on and I wouldn’t let them tell my parents because I knew that it was my shame.

I hope this makes sense to many of you.  Suicide may seem like the answer because you’re in pain, unloved, lonely, at a loss, hopeless, scared, and maybe even you feel like you have nothing benefial to offer this world.  I felt all of those and I’m sure that I’m not the only one, but once you learn to live your life for yourself and no one else, you will become happier and you will see everything coming in to play. You can’t let someone tell you that you’re worthless or that you can’t do this or that. To me, someone who says you’re worthless is challenging you, so challenge them back!

Thanks to those who read this,

Trevor.