Not sure who I am living for any more. I feel betrayed by everyone. Went to visit my family for July 4th, ended up getting punched in the stomach and back by my older sister for throwing a can in her house, she’s a monster *****, fake to the core and so severely shallow. I’m not speaking to any of my family after the whole incident, even considering that my grandparents are moving to a whole other country at the end of the month and I will probably never see them again. Which also makes me very sad. But I’ve dealt with loss before. I am not sure that I need my boyfriend in my life anymore. He is highly agitated and causes a mess that I always need to clean up. Lately there have been too many fights, and some of them are from me being too emotional and some from his problems. My friends, I went out with them last night, trying to split this dinner bill was a nightmare, and then I realized that’s why I got invited out! So I could pay for my friend’s boyfriend that I don’t even know very well. Maybe this is the negativity spiral and I am being overly sensitive, I just didn’t feel like getting dragged out. But if I keep avoiding every social situation because I keep sucking at interacting with others, how will I ever get better? I hate my job but am too depressed to make any changes or apply to new jobs that will better my life. Honestly I don’t know that I would try to kill myself again, but I keep forgetting that if I die, my private student loans will transfer to my other sister that I don’t trust as much, but I can’t do something like burdening her with a $40,000 student loan. I feel trapped. I’m not looking for solutions but it does feel lonely and like it gets harder everyday to go outside and interact with others.
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I recently ended my relationship with a family member over an argument so I can understand where you’re coming from. If you felt the fault was yours then it may help to apologize but if you were treated unfairly then there’s little that can be done because in the future you’ll just get attacked again.
In my case I’ve just taken stock of the relationships that matter in my life and focused on those and people who are loose cannons or toxic/unpredictable, I’ve cut them off. There is nothing to gain to hold onto relationships that are in constant conflict, best to walk away or keep them at arm’s length.
As for the bf, if you think you can get him to change/behave better then work on him-if he’s willing. If you’re being burdened by him then perhaps it’s time to find someone better.
Regarding your job-been there done that. I know how difficult it is to stay at a job you hate, esp. if you really need the money. You’ll have to create a plan for yourself-keep applying for other jobs and eventually you can get lucky.
In my case I decided to work on my own and it was one of the best decisions of my life…however I’m my own worst enemy, I haven’t been able to be as disciplined as I’d like to be so I’m not earning as much as I know I could but I’m a go-getter type of person so I will eventually do what I need to do and put myself in a better place, then my life will be great or at least much better than it is right now.
Isn’t there any clause in your student loan that would absolve your sister of the responsibility if you passed away? Not that it’s a route I’m encouraging but just for peace of mind. It’s unfortunate if the loan had to be passed onto her-what if you declared personal bankruptcy? Talk to a trustee.
Also try to get a handle on your emotions-no one can blame you, in general I’m a very low-key, even-tempered person but I’m human and I also lose my cool esp. when I’m dealing with idiots who refuse to accept blame when it’s their fault. But if you get worked up, then they can pin the blame on you. Additionally our mind doesn’t work as well when we’re emotional.
Hang in there-I’m in an ‘ok’ place in my life right now but I think back to all the crap I had to go through in my past so by comparison things are much better for me today than they ever were. So I’m sure you’ll feel similarly once you get through the problems you’re experiencing today.
Hey Day2Day, thanks for the taking the time to respond, I was feeling pretty low and I appreciate you taking the time to respond so thoroughly. Unfortunately student loans can not be discharged even in the event of a bankruptcy. My only other idea was taking out a life insurance policy that after 1 year, even suicide will still be reimbursed to the beneficiary but the monthly cost could be quite high with my past history if I even get accepted. I will try to create a plan, it’s just difficult once I’m in the depressive loop, unsure whether to indulge myself or internally scold myself for being so ineffective. I used to be in an “ok” place before so it’s disheartening to find myself back where I was, but this time without resolve to do anything about it, to make a change in either direction. It’s nice to hear that you are doing ok, and it’s hopeful for me to hear. It just seems more difficult to get “there.”