Here goes the first post.
Therapists ask questions, like they’re supposed to. Some go deep, some dance around with lighter, innocent questions, because they don’t want to upset you or trigger something. But it’s the innocent questions that get me.
- Are you happy? Yes and no and god I have no idea how to put words to that that will accurately explain how I feel to my standards. (I’m not only a perfectionist, but a perfectionist with anxiety and a constant feeling of dissatisfaction with anything ‘me’)
- How are you? Similar to the previous question. Good. Bad. Terrible. Dying Inside. Confident. Insecure. Hopeful. Determined. Hopeless. How on earth do I explain these contradicting feelings so they make any form of sense?
- Do you WANT to commit suicide? I don’t know. Yes and no as always. I’m hopeful and hopeless. I’ll cling onto the small things, or not care about the biggest achievements. Maybe someday a car will swerve towards me and I won’t move. Maybe I’ll get over my massive fear of dying and do it myself. Or maybe my suicidal thoughts are just something I want to use as a big “Screw you” to the world. To my abusive father. To all the kids at school that thought I was an innocent goody two shoes that was perfect in everything and don’t have a problem in the world. To my friends who don’t know the real me because my insecurities, anxieties, and fear of rejection have created some false being that reads a person to decide how they’ll act.
Sometimes I think the only reason I’m alive today is because of my urge to help people, and once I met him, to help my soon to be best friend conquer depression and his own suicidal thoughts.
But, that’s just a piece of my constantly running mind.
~Contra~
1 comment
> Do you WANT to commit suicide?
Hmm, For me yes. I think an even better question is “Do you want to live?”