It’s my fault im suffering… I should have left a long time ago

For so long i fooled myself to hope that life would be better and that life would reward me for being fair, kind and giving. I gave everything i had onto fixing my “family” but what i actually did was destroy my family. I invited him to be a part of my family with the hopes that i could help him… That i could fix him. But i cant. You cant be good enough for a user. To them you are just a prey to steal from to use and abuse. You cant give enough and you would still be bad coz they will suck you dry till you have none left. In the end you would still be the bad one for giving up on them. Thats survival for them. Get as much as you can for as long as you can… Till you cant get nomore… Then you move on to the next victim. Im bot fair coz my children suffered… All the time i wasted to be with him instead of my children. I knew he needed me more xoz my children are raised better. But they are still kids…. And i missed so much… They missed so much. I was not fair. I too was not kind… Not to myself. I allowed this to happen to me. I allowed this to happen to us… All for a person who only fends and cares for only himself. I lived through visiting in jail… Bailing him off debts while i accumulate debts for myself… Through all the fights and the deaththreats… I work sooo hard to care for someone who would not even putdown his game to help me go out late at night to do errends for my daughters…. For someone who sees me cry in pain and yet not care…. For someone who wont even love me back. Im with him… Working hard to feed him pay for all the bills and take care of everything… While he stays at home play games and do drugs. But in the end im at fault… Im the one who is bad… Coz i complain about the things i catch like him stealing from me and my children or doing drugs. I cant complain… My complaining for him to change is the one that pushes him to do drugs. I have to just take it all and give all that i work so hard for. Coz i work for our business. Which i have funded for and worked so hard for and he owns half because i live in his house and he thought of the name… Geez! Im not kind to myself… No im not. I allowed my life to be hell. Giving? Yeah… Im too giving that i gave him my life to destroy along with my childrens life. So much trauma… So much pain…. And yet here i am still here writing this 2 feet away from him… Balling my eyes out as he sing a tune and play with the robot game on his phone. Im not here… I wish i was not here… I just wanna diappear. I wanna be lost and never found. I hate myself… I hate my life. I hate him… I hate him so much. And still what hold me back is that i know that if i leave in a month he would either be dead, in jail or hungry. He is a parasite who cant live without a host. And i do feel bad that he is so incapable of doing anything. I feel so sorry for him… Though i know that i should be more sorry for myself for still being here