To those concerned
This will come as a shock to everyone but at the same time it should answer your questions why I acted in certain way recently. Please know that this is not an action of impulse,it was planned out. You probably will never understand my decision,but FWIW, I think I owe an explanation.
The truth is, I resented myself too much to continue. The hatred towards myself has gotten to a point where it’s no longer tolerable. I’m a big narcissistic, compulsively lying, hypocritical sociopath that hates people in general. I deserve to be miserable. But you don’t see any of these, because I’m a good actor. I can’t open up to people. I have made horrible choice after horrible choice in life and refused to reflect. I have come to the realization that I have self-destructive tendencies. I seem to enjoy inflicting pains upon myself. My whole life is a self-sabotaging freak show.
To all my friends,
Let me say that I’m blessed to have you guys as friends and I know you care about me. I cherish every moment we spent together.This past year have been the happiest for me, thank you. Together you and my mom bought me a lot of time on this earth. If I didn’t turn out like this I would have been a very happy person, for you are a wonderful group of people! I wish i had been better to you as a friend. But the sad truth is I can no longer pretend to be someone I’m not. I couldn’t face any of you knowing I will soon be departed. I have been over indulging in things to divert my mind from the pains. It’s getting unbearable. This has to happen.
Please remember, I love you guys!
Dear mom,
This is very difficult to put in words. In my twenty something years of existence I have NEVER said I love you. But you know I love you to death. If it weren’t for you I would have gone much earlier. I’m torn in this very moment. I ‘m tormented at the thought of you blaming yourself or dad. I wish I didn’t turn out the wreck like I am, the exact polar opposite of you two. I wish I grew up like other kids that enjoy their parent’s company. But I was miserable. You would think you shouldn’t have let me go, that things would have been different, but I was MISERABLE. I was never able to express my feelings to you or dad. and I’m writing this because you will only get to see this after the fact. Fear of you feeling my pain is the only explanation I can come up with, but even that is a stretch. Truth is I don’t know, I don’t know why I’m such a sicko.When was the last time that I made you happy? or ever? You and dad made dreams happen but I have been nothing but burden to you. Please don’t put the blame on yourself or dad. I know this will cause you pain but please try to understand, the alternative will just cause more pains. And I’M HAPPY WITH THE DECISION THAT I’VE MADE. If everything goes as planned I should go peacefully. At the end of the day,you can’t live my life for me. Please remember I will not be in peace if you suffer.
Love you mom! Love you dad!
Dalong
7 comments
very nice! we love you too! a bit of advice think real hard about what your thinking, it’s your life! you have only one, be certain you have done EVERYTHING! To continue living! never act on impulse, remember you can’t do this again.
All I can say is good luck man and I hope u find peace in the next life.
Stardust, let’s sit back and just think for a second. Because of your parents never giving up on you, I think you should never give up on them. Now think of the pain you are going to cause because of this decision. Maybe try to be selfless and keep on going even if its painful as hell, for your mom and dad. I’m a huge believer that everything happens for a reason. I know you have a plan ahead of you and believe me I know 100 percent things are gonna get better and they might get bad again but you are gonna get through it -like your gonna get through this. It’s a battlefield out here, that’s forsure but ones you start winning your battles the next to come will be easier to win and get through it. You can grow as a strong individual, so start now.
If I may say Stardust, it sounds you have more to live for than you realize and to contribute in the lives of others. I think you need therapy to help you sort out what’s causing your pain.
Sometimes people have very good reasons to end their life-like a terminal illness, old age, etc and that can be hard to argue with. But based on your post it seems you lead a pretty full life but have major challenges that you’d need some help with. I hope you give it more thought-talk to people very close to you and see if it can make any difference for you.
Stardust,
you sound like me. I could have written this. I feel the same, exactly the same.
There comes a point where one has nowhere left to go, nowhere left to turn, and all the misery was created by ourselves.
I wish you peace and courage – whatever you choose to do.
– L
Stardust i really am sorry for the way you feel because I’ve been there and and continue to be there, to the point of giving up like just like you. I try to convince myself that the people that love me would be better off without me. Then i realize that they wouldn’t. I picture the reaction of my dad, my little brother, sister, my children, the nephew that i raised. I have a 12 year old daughter that would be devastated, i realize that there are people here that truly love me and so do you. I hope you take a little time and think about the people that love you, especially your parents. I know life can be hard, but i guess if it was easy it would be boring. There’s a lot of people here that care for each other too and for what it’s worth, I’m on SP all the time, and here if you’d like to talk. I do wish you best and hope you reconsider.
Hey Startdust, I hope you’re still alive. I just wanted to say that I identify with your crazy thoughts about being a sociopath and a sicko. For me, I didn’t make myself like this, it’s not my fault and it’s not your fault either so why put any reason to blame yourself for what you’re experiencing? I know how you feel, I have thought about suicide a ton too. It’s not your fault if you were sick and I doubt that you would want somebody who was as sick as you believe you are to be killed, so you don’t have to kill yourself.