Staring at the screen – Who am i?

So this is my first Post here.

So i’ve been here before several times,

like a fucking stalker, like Marla singer, the woman from ‘fight club’ who went to all the support groups because they were cheaper than cinema. Or more like the Protagonist from that same book.

Whenever i felt sadness melancholy and whatever-the-fuck you want to call it eating me from inside. Hollowing out. Gouging.

Whenever i desperately wanted to cry, but couldn’t because it seemed surreal, pathetic and impossible to me to cry over nothing but myself.

And whenever i vistited here i felt like an asshole because i wouldn’t dare to try to help, because i feared that i could only ever make things worse, hurt somebody with my words.

Until now, i guess. I hope.

Until a month ago i also didn’t dare to tell anyone anything abou the things that are tearing me apart.

I also rarely talked with anyone about or did anything related to feelings, for various reasons:

1. I don’t want to hurt anyone exept myself, and like i said above, i fear that i might someone while i try to help them.                          (Funny story: sometime when i was a Teenager, i had an argument with someone about my age. He started to hit me in the face, and i couldn’t hit back even though i really wanted to fck him up (And could’ve, considering a was doing a lot of Judo at that age))
2. I don’t want to waste anyones time by talking about me. (Thing is, i despise arrogance and selfishness a lot, and i always feel like making someone listen to whatever fucks with my head & happiness is selfish.)
3. I’ve got a reason to hate myself, and i don’t want to (accidentially) talk about this part of my personality while i’m babbling about other problems.
4. I’m fucking shy.
5. I always try to ‘wait for the right moment’ (aka procrastinate) for too long.
6. I’ve become very good at pretending to be happy; fake smile, bad jokes and everything, like a goddamn Liar, comedian or actor.
7. I always think about large concepts, like human civilisation as a whole, the Refugee crisis here in Europe, Wars, problems of Globalisation like inequalites and wasteful usage of resources etc etc et fkcign cetera. So i tend to forget that i matter. At all.
8. It might be a shock for people who ‘knew’ me a long time(like my fmily) when i tell them that that happy fool they always saw in me was just an act to prevent them from worrying
9. I really fear being annoying, and therefore very very rarely ask anyone to meet (Lost a lot of friends because i didn’t want to/couldn’t message them).

So a while ago something happened that made me realize that i cannot help anyone by hiding myself behind a smile. Guess most of you know it’s fucking weird to tell a ‘Happy person’ anything about whatever is dragging you down, so i’ve decided to try and become ‘more real’ person, which means revealing and talking about parts of my personality, (like that Depression) i’ve hidden from everyone, my friends and my family. I’ve decided to start this about two months ago; so far i’ve talked to two friends of mine and my brother.

This text is getting Tl:dR-ishly huge, so i’ll stop here. This will have to do as an introduction.
Also please tell me about mistakes i made if you want to, english isn’t my mother tongue.

greetz,

oqbo

P.S: Forgot to mention the reason i got here: I’d really really like to take ‘the easy way out’, but i hate the thought of hurting anyone by doing it, especially my brother (who is self-destructive and unhappy already) and sister (who has enough problems on her own).