I’m not going far

Dearest Friends and Family,

First let me tell you that I love you, and it is this love that has kept me here for the time that I have been alive. It is not because I have lost my way, or that I no longer respect and appreciate all the things you have ever done for me. I end my life today because I have reached the end of the road. Why continue when there are no maps, no signs and no one to walk with me along the way? I don’t expect you to understand this, nor do I want you to try and answer all the questions you will have for yourselves. It’s not worth it to torment the lives you have built and the people that you love. Do not suffer, for I no longer do and would not wish that this last decision of mine would cause you any more pain. For years I have burdened every soul I made contact with, and somehow negatively impacted every person I have ever loved. I have gained friendship, love, happiness, self-worth…and I have lost it all. My relationships crumble before me, my friends move on without me, and the majority of my family has given up on trying to remain supportive. It is only because they realized that I was a lost cause long before you did. That doesn’t make you blind, nor does it make you ignorant. It only means that you are stronger than I could ever have hoped to have been. And for this I admire you, all of you, my friends and my family. And I promise that I’m not going far, I will always be with you.

To my Parents,

You have endured so much, you have struggled for so long, you have stayed afloat through all the times you thought you were going to sink. Your strength and your positivity have made me who I am, and I swear to you that I have passed on your knowledge and your morals to all whom I have met during my life. You have made such an impact, not only through the people you know, but to all the people that I know as well. Every ideal and every lesson that you have provided for me has been passed on to another, so that they may become the good people that you have always been. Your knowledge is that of an incredible standard, and believe me when I say that it has not gone to waste. There is so much I wish I could tell you, so many thoughts that led me to the point that I am at now. But you don’t need to know those things. You CANNOT blame yourselves, it would only be more pain that I inflicted upon you. I wish I could have been better for you, but I was only ever going to be as good as I could be. It was not enough for myself, but I know that you never thought less of me. I will take with me all the memories that I have of you, and I will be with you till the end of your days. I do not wish to live a life without you, and I hate that you must live yours without me. But this is better for me, and I am now going to be happier than I ever was before. I do not regret the decision I have made. I love you both.

To my Siblings,

You have accomplished so much, and I have been there to witness all of it. You cannot fathom how proud I am of you, and how much I love the both of you. You are what I wish I could have been. I sometimes envisioned myself dancing with you on stage, playing music with you at your recitals. It pains me to think that you will have to do these things knowing that I will no longer be in the audience. Do not lose hope in the life that you live. I have only ever wanted you to be happy, to be better than I could have been. And I am so glad to have seen my wish come true over the years of seeing the two of you grow up. Your accomplishments will inspire so many people around you, so if not for me, than continue your life for all the people who will benefit from your existence. I can say that, without a doubt, I benefited greatly just from knowing that I was a part of your lives.

To my good friend Frog,

I know that we don’t speak anymore, and that is because of my own wrongdoing. But I hope this finds you somewhere in life. I want you to know that I will hold the memories of our friendship close to my heart forever. You were an uplifting individual, and you spoke with such certainty that I could never doubt you. Your inner wisdom and your optimism kept me going through the most challenging moments of my life. I am honored to have called you friend. None of this is your fault, nor is it anyone else’s fault. But you must understand that, if you are to continue on with your life. I chose to end my life today for many reasons, but none of them have anything to do with you. I hope that you find success in your life, and I hope that someday you are able to settle down with someone you love. You deserve every good thing that has ever come your way. I hope we meet again my friend.

To Ash,

You have always meant more to me than I was able to let you know. I have loved you since the childhood moments that I can remember with you. You are so humble, and it has humbled me in return. Your words have carried me to understanding far more than I ever thought I could. You opened my eyes to the world, and never once did you lie to me so that I would feel better. You were there for me in times of need, and for this I cherished the time we spent together. Your life will be long, difficult and full of obstacles. But your ability to persevere will overcome all that stand in your way. I want you to remember me in whatever way you feel is best. I am certainly not a good judge of my own character, but I’m sure there were times that I was able to make you smile. Remember them, and know that I will be waiting for the day we can be friends again. Don’t look back, but never forget.

To all,

I am compromised by a thought that has led me to end my life. I have never once felt more sure of myself than I do now, and it is because I have become aware of my own impermanence. Not to say that I haven’t tried to end my life before. I have simply realized that I do not have a future. I don’t belong here anymore, and I don’t think I ever really belonged anywhere to begin with. I am saddened by this realization. I really did think that at some point in my life I would find a place to make my own. But the world is so small now, it has no room for people like me. And this is not “the way that it is.” This is how we as a civilization have made it to be. The hand that writes can always erase and re-write. And I encourage all to do so. The world is becoming toxic, and it is no place to take for granted or to mistreat. It’s a fire that must be put out, and the charred remains must be rebuilt. We destroy all that we feel we are entitled to, and it’s simply because we believe ourselves to be superior to everything else. We kill billions a year, destroy thousands of acres a month, and we forget why we actually exist. To this day, the human race has survived not because it has learned to adapt. But because we as human beings once understood that we cannot fight the forces of nature without getting the same in return. We once cherished every thing we had, because we knew it could be taken away so quickly and so easily by an unbeatable force. We thrived in an environment because we were able to accept it as a gift to us and not as our own. It’s time to put down the weapons, and pick up the tools. Our end is coming so fast, and it is our own doing that brings us closer to it. I love and hate you all.

xxxxxxx,

P.S

All my music equipment goes to my brother, along with all my games and other related accessories. Agent Skully goes to Ash, (I’m sure you know what to do with it.) The rest of belongings can be spread amongst my family as they see fit. It’s not like I will be able to have a say in it anyway. I would like my remains to be returned to the ocean down by Ponce Inlet. There has never been another place that I could find that kind of peace, and I would like to stay there for the remainder of time the universe has.