I met you in my junior year of high school. its been almost 7 years since then, and exactly one month now since I last saw you. From the moment we met I knew there was something special in you, it didn’t take me more than a week to confess my love to you. From the very start I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, you were just different than everyone else. Even after you moved away for school, I was always there when you needed me. I was in a dark place when you moved away, suffering in silence, alone. But I didn’t give up. I kept going, for me, because I knew I needed to be strong, and for you, because I knew you would need someone there for you in time. When you moved back home a couple years later, and we started seeing each other again, I never left your side. I was always there for you, through the best of times, through the worst of times. Throughout all the failed attempts, the close calls, we never gave up on each other. I can easily say that neither of us would still be alive today without the love and support we gave each other. And then suddenly one day a month ago it all ended. I still don’t now how or why you came to this conclusion. I may never know why you chose to make this decision, to get rid of me from your life, asking me never to contact you again, but only time will tell. I don’t hate you for making this decision, or feel even remotely negative towards you in any way. I have only ever had love for you, and that will never change. Looking back on it all, some of my other friends say I was constantly putting myself through hell and back for you, that you were terrible to me, far more than anyone else would ever be willing to allow, and that I should have left you years ago. But i’m far too selfless to care, I was just happy to be by your side through thick and thin. Maybe one day I will be stable enough to let some one else occupy this empty space inside me, a space I once called yours, a space I still yearn to call yours.
Every day I wake up wondering why I’m still alive. Why haven’t I ended it already, why must I put up with this pain and suffering for another day. The only thing that still keeps me here is the extreme guilt and cowardice I feel when my family and friends constantly remind me how they would react if I were to go, and this scar I call a tattoo, a promise I made to never give up on myself. I’m not going to sit here for the rest of my sorry excuse I call a life and wait for you to come back, but that doesn’t mean I won’t welcome you back with open arms if you ever choose to do so.
I love you, R H. Maybe you will allow us to meet again some day. Until then, I am but a lone zombie roaming the Earth in search of brains I will never find.
3 comments
To me the biggest reason it would seem that you are striving to move forward is due to hope. A hope for things to be better obviously but in more partic, to be with the person you love. But if things don’t go well with that individual then a couple of the many choices you can do is to stay determined with the person you love or to try to move on to a different person perhaps? I don’t mean the second option as an immediate course of action but if you’re just trying to (this is just an assumption and sorry if you get offended) but just stick with a first love kind of story then you won’t be giving anyone else a chance which can be missed opportunities of happiness. (Not that your happiness needs to be based upon another individual). On a side note, although it might not seem like it but perseverance is definitely a trait to show strength mixed with determination. It might not seem like you may be winning the battle and to many others, but when things are stacked against any individual and they manage to press on even just slightly, it is def moving forward. I hope you have the best of luck.
This was heavy. I understand a lot of what you feel, but since I do, I don’t know the answer. The typical one is to move on, but even I don’t know how to do that. One thing I’ve learned though is that time heals all. There may be a scar left on your heart, but I promise it’ll get better. Occupy your time, enjoy life. From video games, to hulu (my favorite), to sports, do something. That’s as easy as saying “become an astronaut!” for us, but I believe it is possible.
Find someone who understands you. That space in your heart is one that only the right person can fill. Like a puzzle or key, not everyone will fit properly. You just have to find the one who does.
I feel the same way everyday… This happened to me and like Mazzy said I don’t have an answer, but maybe just knowing a few other people feel the same way can bring you some peace. The worst part for me is not knowing why she left me for good and doesn’t even want me to contact her anymore. I have no closure and don’t think I’ll ever get any. Seeing her face even in a picture sends my heart plummeting into my stomach because I miss her so fucking much