I have been struggling for several months now with the situation I have found myself in. I have basically destroyed my life without even knowing what I was doing. Ignorance is bliss they say, but if you realize later how ignorant you were, it is a horrible experience. It does not really matter what I have done, let’s just say that I have no control over things anymore and can only sit and wait for my world to implode. Some of the realizations I had in the past months were that I clearly have psychopathic traits, am a narcissist, and, worst of all, a fool who was lucky all his life and took things too lightly with ever showing introspection.
At first, when I realized what was going on, I became full on psychotic and was in shock about the situation. I didn’t sleep for almost two weeks and when I did I had nightmares about demons dancing around in my head. Then, I was in panic mode and tried to fix things, but only made matters worse. Realizing that I had made matters worse, the ideation to end it started because it seemed like the only way out. At that point, I started to withdraw from friends and family, stopped doing things I previously enjoyed, and lost interest in pretty much everything. I was determined to end it, if it hadn’t been for the love of my life who is still with me. When I decided not to go forward, I was beating myself up because I knew I was going back to the terrible life I had lived the months prior. I went to see someone and tried some meds, but that only made me feel numb.
Now, I just feel empty, tired, and seem to have lost my sense of reality. In my head, I am replaying the past years and all the mistakes I made over and over. I go to bed, but wake up every night around 4am thinking about things only to fall asleep after an hour or so. When the alarm rings at 8, I simply cannot get out of bed. I have never felt that way. I just cannot get out of bed. I just lie there for another hour or two.
My girl is at her wits end and I feel that she is starting to distance herself from me. I cannot blame her. I don’t even know how I operate anymore and when I look at her I feel like I am looking at a stranger. I am a shadow of my former self. I used to have a great life, now I am tired all day and everything I do doesn’t even seem real anymore. I cannot put it really into words, but everything seems like a movie that is playing out in front of me. Talking to people feels like a massive effort because I have to pretend I am ok. Leaving the house has become I challenge. I sit on my balcony and smoke cigarettes. I want to disappear, but still hang on to this terrible splinter of hope that things will be ok. While I hold on to this, my life is falling apart one piece at a time and there is nothing I can do.
To sum it up, I feel like I have become insane and can’t find a way out except for one …
Anybody been there?