I was already at the sidewalk, ready to jump. The trucks were fast and keep coming and jumping was all I can think about. As the truck went closer I was so ready to throw myself on the road.
Yet I didn’t jump.
I don’t know what stopped me at the time. I saw the truck went and I was still at the sidewalk. For a brief moment I thought, “Maybe one day I’ll be filled with so much I’ll find out why I don’t jump.”
Now here I am. Alive and breathing. Yet what I have been doing ever since is regretting my decision at the time. Why didn’t I jump? Now things were different in a whole lot worse possible way and I also am a different person whom I believed is more cowardly than I was at the time. I had the bravery at the time to do at least something in my life, make the decision to jump, but I didn’t jump I don’t know why. Now I just float and waste oxygen, doing nothing, not caring, but not brave enough to attempt to make another jump.
I should’ve jumped.
1 comment
There’s no guarantee it would’ve killed you-it’s possible you could wake up in a hospital as a mangled paralyzed mess and they’d do a dozen painful surgeries to patch you up. Additionally think of the trauma you’d cause a truck-driver who’d be tortured with the though of killing or injuring someone, even though it wasn’t his fault. If you’re going to end your life, at least do it without hurting others.
I was also thinking about suicide the other day and how difficult it can be-just to let go of this life, but it’s possible if one is determined to die. There are ways that I know of fortunately which can lead to a quick, safe, reliable and painless death, but we can’t discuss methods here. Also once word gets out, society will find ways to ban or regulate the methods to make it very difficult. So people need to keep quiet about good ways to go.
Some days I feel the way you do-I’ve lost much of the excitement and enjoyment that life used to offer me. Now it’s just drudgery and dullness. Pleasures are fleeting, I stick around because I matter to a few important people who I care about but if I had no one holding me back then I think I would’ve ended it a long time ago. Good luck in whatever you try to do. If you can find reasons to keep living that’s always better-but if not then hopefully you find a good means to pass on.