What do I do?

Here I was, thinking that I was doing some good for myself by taking some steps towards what one might call a future. But thanks to how fucked up I am, there’s nothing to step towards. There’s no path. There’s no plan. I was under the illusion that there was, but how could there be anything when it’s all so broken?

I had actually picked out a college program for myself. It was a complicated one called “Electronics Engineering Technician Computers.” Quite a mouthful I know. I’m not sure what made me think that it’s what I wanted. I saw the courses listed, and it looked pretty challenging. But I thought I could do it, since my main problem with the programs I took in the past was that they were boring. So I went ahead and payed for the application. Shortly after, I got what you could call a… it wasn’t a rejection. They just approved me for a program I didn’t apply for. Their way of saying “You don’t have what it takes for this program, but we still want your money.” But it was for some stupid aviation thing, so I declined. I looked into the program I wanted, and I noticed that I was missing a higher level math credit. Just one little credit? Okay! I went straight to the adult learning center in my city so I could get the credit I needed. The course was available online, which was cheaper than getting these booklets and having time with a teacher. I don’t like to leave my house, gas is expensive, and I would have to get up quite early to make it in time to meet the teacher before I would have to go to work (I’m full time five days a week). Which would mean some VERY long days with little to no time to take care of my already existing mental problems. So the online lessons were a given. However, I was under the impression that the online lessons would be… lessons. Like in a text book where they show you examples of how to use a formula or something, then they ask you questions based on what they just showed you. This is what I got, this is literally page 1.

“They say a picture is worth a thousand words. The same can be said for a graph showing a mathematical relationship. A graph is a type of mathematical model that gives a visual interpretation of the relationship between variables. Graphs are powerful tools that can be used to observe trends, make predictions, and solve problems.

Consider the following graph. It shows the relationship between the speed of a cyclist and the amount of power required to maintain such a speed.

*It shows a graph here*

The graph clearly shows the dramatic increase in power required to achieve a faster cycling speed. In fact, the vast majority of effort in cycling goes towards overcoming wind resistance. For this reason, cyclists use aerodynamic equipment and position themselves to minimize drag.

Activity 1
To increase his speed from 20 km/h to 30 km/h, the cyclist must produce an additional 90 watts of power. Using the graph, determine the increase in power required to increase the speed from 50 km/h to 60km/h. What can you conclude about the type of relationship based on this result?”

…. how the FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?! You’ve shown me nothing!

You see, it’s been about…six years since I graduated high school. And although I was able to retain my knowledge of reading music and playing the violin, I have not retained anything from my math classes. Or any others for that matter. So I suppose that for the most part, people are going into these classes knowing what they need to already. What I do know, is that there is no way in all seven levels of Hell that I will ever be able to do any of these on my own. So I either drive myself to exhaustion and spend money on the gas and extra crap from this learning center, or give up and just not do it, and face the likelihood of getting kicked out of my house. (For those of you who aren’t aware of my situation, both of my parents are forcing me to go to school and pay for it myself.)

It’s actually a very good thing that I ended up not having that one credit. If I had made it into the actual college program, I’d have probably just killed myself by now with how hard it would have been for me. I can’t handle any kind of failure, nor will my parents tolerate it. If I had to drop out of another college program, I am one hundred percent sure it would have meant the end of me.

But I don’t know what I should do now. I’ve honestly tried going back to the lessons and reading them over, but they give me no information. I. Can’t. Do. It. I’m doubting that a teacher would be able to help me through it either, considering I tend to break down as soon as I get something wrong. Not to mention the fact that now, I seriously don’t want to take the college program because of how much trouble I’m having with this! But how the fuck do I explain this to my parents?! My mother, despite being a full-fledged hell spawn, doesn’t seem to care too much about whether I go or not. My father however, has had full on screaming fits over it. He doesn’t see working eight hour shifts five days a week as worth anything I guess. I mean, I do have a late sleep schedule (5am-1pm), so he seems to think that I’m lazy and sleep too long. In truth, I get eight hours like everybody else. Usually even less then that because I’m up half the night contemplating why I’m still here. I’ve even planned out how I would do it. Which it further than I’ve ever gone before.

I’m stuck in limbo with nobody to talk to about it. I don’t want to pay for schooling that I don’t want. But I understand that I can’t live off of minimum wage, nor do I want to be stuck with my shitty job forever. But I can’t pick a career for myself because I barely have the motivation and interest to live, let alone plan a future for myself. And no on in my family will listen to me long enough to explain that. I am always interrupted and told to stop being such a drama queen. That what I feel is wrong. I just don’t know what to do, and the only answer on my mind means putting an end to everything.