I dont know anymore.

I had a big future ahead of me, not to brag or anything but I’m pretty smart for my age, and kind of attractive, awesome grades and stuff, good health, etc. then I got culture shock(in a foreign country). try living without any friends or social life for a year. I stopped taking my “happy” pills (they’re not exactly antidepressants)because they weren’t working. I went into a deep depression and tried to kill myself several times but I stopped like 2 months ago. I really miss cutting and burning my arm, its all my dad’s fault. he thinks he’s helping me, taking away things I love doing, but its tearing me apart more than i am lacerated. I think I’m finally numb. I still have emotions and shit, i still cry a LOT, but I dont really care anymore what happens to me when i go back to america. when I get new friends I dont care if they use me, abuse me, play me, take advantage of me, I just want to find happiness and I’ll do anything to get there. I dont care if I get wasted now and then. my dad is like a really strong christian, so he disagrees with a lot of stuff. I was a strong christian but im losing my faith in God. I am afraid the devil has won me over, but honestly I’m so afraid I’ll go to Hell, thats a really scary thought. i think im a drug addict now. i cant stop taking all kinds of pills at night, it helps the pain go away so much, even though its only for a few hours. but thats better than nothing..