An Aspirant Person

Lately, I’ve been having more and more social difficulties, namely with names (no pun intended) and overall conviction.

Typically, in an interaction, saying a participant’s name will have to happen at least once, but I can’t do it. I can’t say nor even type a person’s name, and if someone does it to me, I become extremely uncomfortable. It would be so much easier to call people numbers or something, kind of like the fact that I use Emoji in place of names on my mobile phone.

Along with that, I also have issues with conviction, instead displaying uncertainty by involuntarily adding, “I think” or, “Or whatever” to statements that I know are true. Other statements which I find just too intimate (“How are you?”, “I love you”, “Thank you”) are replaced with weird, sometimes gibberish impersonal alternatives. I say, “Ayayoo” instead of, “I love you” or, “Income” instead of, “Thank you”. It’s pathetic and makes me sound like a toddler.

I’ve come to the conclusion that all of this can be attributed to my intense inferiority complex. I feel less than everyone else, so I’m not permitted to use those words and statements towards them or whatever. (See?) I also lost the only person to whom I ever said and genuinely meant, “I love you” (the English version, not my weird one). He didn’t feel the same way, instead ceasing contact.

It’s fallen to the point at which I feel unworthy of having a name and gender; of being a person. I don’t know what I am, but I don’t feel like a person, though I do aspire to be one someday if I don’t successfully leave this planet tonight.

This is why I can’t integrate myself into humanity. I can’t trust anyone, no one gives a shit about me, my family only worsens everything, and I’m just exhausted.

I’m so exhausted.