There are literally no words to describe this god awful feeling I have in the pit of my stomach right now. It’s the kind of feeling that you don’t really know how to describe. Do I want to punch somebody in the face? Do I want to punch myself in the face? Do I want to cry? Do I want to go out on an “angry run”? Do I honestly just want to sit here for hours and stare at the wall and do nothing? Do I want to do anything productive? Who the hell knows. All I know is, I hate feeling like this.
I hate that feeling I get when I realize the people I love and care about have better things going for them.
I hate that feeling I get when I realize that I will never have a happy life.
I hate that feeling when I’m laying in my bed at night, hands cupped over my mouth to keep me from screaming, tears pouring down my face, and feeling my heart breaking into a million shards of glass inside my chest.
I hate realizing that Christmas and Thanksgiving will always be horrible because of the pain and suffering I’ve endured in the past.
I hate realizing that I’m going to be one of the 10% of people on earth that will never find true love and keep it too.
I hate it when I think about how I’m in school to be a doctor, to save people’s lives, and I can’t be damned to save my own.
Why can’t I just care about myself a little more? Why do I always go to extreme measures to help, love, and protect the very people that don’t care about me at all? Why can’t I show myself the same love and devotion that I show other people?
Why is it that after two years of dating somebody from the other side of the country, it will always be that we won’t ever live in the same location unless I leave everything behind and move? Why is it that he is consistently there for other people but not for me? Is it because he thinks I’m stronger than I really am? I don’t even know! All I know is, I am very likely doomed to a life of going to bed at night, slipping into cool sheets, and never feeling a spot of warmth beside me. I am doomed to a sad and miserable life, alone and heartbroken. If love like this only exists in my dreams, don’t wake me up…
Why is it that my family is constantly belittling me and making me feel horrible for things I had no part in? Why is it that I am blamed for things that took place in a time in which I was in a different city, a different state even? Why is it that I am constantly subjected to a maddening form of narcissism on their part in which they take everything that is sacred to me and dash it against the rocks? What did I ever do to deserve this family??
What did I ever do to deserve a life that is so full of heartbreak and pain?
Was I a terrible person in a past life? Did I murder somebody? Burn a village to a ground? Sell people into slavery? Was I a rapist in a past life? Was I tyrant or a dictator?
I’m no believer in reincarnation, but something awful must have happened for me to deserve this life, but god only knows exactly what I did to deserve this.
2 comments
I really relate to this. I pop onto this site when I’m hitting my worst and for some reason it always helps me when I hear there are other people that can relate. Not that they understand 100% what I’m going through or vice versa but that there’s some form of understanding. Kind of like, when you meet another rape victim. You’re not happy they were raped or that they’re experiencing such shit times. You’re just happy that there’s someone out there that could possibly understand an inkling of what I go through.
My family was horrible to me too. Blatantly sexist. I was told by my father I was the single cause for every marital problem in my parent’s marriage even though I was the good kid and according to his mother, my grandmother, they should never have gotten married. I’m the lesbian that came out to her parents to be shit on so horribly I’m dating my best friend, a male, because I don’t feel like I have any other choice. Because I’m pathetic. (And yes, he knows I’m a lesbian. I’ve been completely honest with him since the beginning.) I get the feeling of worthlessness and exhausted frustration that everything just seems against you. Because in many ways it is.
And I’m sorry you’re going through those emotions. But know you’re not alone in that regard. It doesn’t help much. But it’s all I have to offer.
PS Also, what kind of doctor? I’m an optician so optometry I can geek out on for hours XD
I came out to my family and to this day, they still don’t believe me. I would like to say I’m bisexual, but to be honest, I think I fall more under pansexual than anything….
I just get so tired of being ragged on for stuff I didn’t do, you know?
I want to go to med school to a geneticist, an OB/GYN, or a Pediatrician… Or maybe I would do surgery! I think it would be cool to do surgery!
I can’t wait until the day I put my middle finger in their faces and tell them to shove it because I’m done. I know that day won’t come for a while, but honestly… It gets me through.