Losing the Game

I am in the same boat as you. Yes, I am losing in life too. over the past 5 years I have barely worked and have been on a limited income. I have had serious medical problems that are painful. I have had social anxiety, depression and trauma come over me because of my past and the abusive childhood I went through. My whole life has been pain and problems on top of more problems
For the first 24 years of life… I did not know how to get along with people. I was rude and mean to people not knowing any better. I also was stupid and ignorant back then too.
I really did not start to grow up in life until I was about 24 years of age… and by then my life had deteriorated in many ways… so I had to spend the last 20 years of my life > pulling myself out of the hole that I created for myself early on.

Now you say you have been in PSYCH wards 60 times!! WOW. I have been in them about 9 times and I thought 9 was a lot.. but 60 oh my god. I thought that if a person winds up in there that many times that they will permanently commit you to a place.

YES, I feel like you. I am a waste of space. I am not a productive person. I have not contributed much to society or the world. I just basically suck up space and live a shitty life… I am a loser for sure in life and I know that for sure. I pretty much am the biggest loser I have ever met in life
My whole life is a lie. I used to think I was cool when I was in college but the truth is that I was a total joke. I was stupid, ignorant > the guys I hung around with werent even really my friends
I did some really bad things..like get into trouble and so forth.

Luckly Later in life I did wake up and learn and grow as a person and learn to be nice to people
I also have had some nice jobs and have had some really good friends and some good times.
but I am getting to the point where.. there isnt much going for me in life.. and I really dont see going on with this life much more. I have already manage to do most of the things I want to do in life anyway… and now there is only pain, and loneliness and bad memories left for me

I will never be married, I will never have kids, I will never really amount to anything in life
I have tried… but failed at turning my life around and becoming successful
I will not ever be successful unless I hit the lottery and that is not going to happen

So yeah, I plan to wrap up this life sometime within the next couple months
I am acquiring all that I need to end my life successfully and peacefully

I just want to go.. and be done with all this
There isnt much left for me in this life… and nobody really wants to help me in the way that i need help.. so I am basically living a miserable life and have no joy and not much to look forward too in life

I am going to try and get a job soon and try to make some money and do a few good things before I exit.
but I will exit. Its something I need to do.. because I am a fuckup in life and I hate myself
I pretty much wish I was never born.