I’ve been with my husband for nearly 20 years. Everyday is a struggle to keep his mood up. My husband has always fought sucidal thoughts and clinical depression. He feel and broke both his legs in July 2016. He was hospitalized for 5 months and can no longer walk or care for himself. He is 42. He had long term illnesses and now on top of everything feels hes a burden to me and his daughter. It is a struggle caring for a bedridden person, but he is in physical therapy and is improving everyday. The hardest struggle for.me is having to constantly be on alert wondering if this is the day it gets to bad for him. Its tiring. My nephew killed himself dec 2015 at the age of 16 by hanging. I made my husband go to the funeral because I thought he would see firsthand the effects of suicide. He was deeply moved. With that being said he did try an overdose in 2013 that landed him in the icu. This current illness also found him on life support. In my mind i feel its a second chance to him it is another day he has to live. He does not want to seek help for his mental health. The doctors have him on a cocktail of drugs for depression and anxiety. They do not stop his thoughts. I am at my wits end. Sometimes I get extremely depressed just dealing with him. I love him so much, but am having a hard time dealing with all this. There is no worse feeling than looking at someone you love and knowing there is nothing you can do to make it better.
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Gosh that IS a lot to deal with, are you getting outside help? By that I mean there are services that can help alleviate some of the strain on you. Like volunteers that come and give you a break from the 24-7 care giving so you have time for yourself or just a break. That’s important. You need to take care of you, so you don’t get so burnt out. It’s not selfish either to think of yourself once in a while. Try looking into home care agency’s and services for some quidance in getting this type of help. Or even a senior care center in your town as they have ties to these type of services for the elderly, they can point you in the right direction. There are people that want to help people in you and your husband’s situation.
We do have a home health care nurse and aide. We also have a pt. The problem is that they can only come 1 hour a day 3 days a week. Not much help. On top of that I’m trying to hold down a full time job and make sure my teenage daughter stays on track. I have no time for me. I have to keep all medication away from my husband due to the impulse to try and kill himself. What I need is a vacation for myself. My in laws are always giving me a hard time as well. I’m so tired.
This is why I will never let my family know that I am the way I am. The burden it would inevitably bring on them.
I think you are very strong for keeping your family together, I’m sure your husband sees that and is very thankful for everything you do, despite the mental challenges he faces…
Hello Katlwebb . This is the first time I have read a post like this . If your trying to get him better Just hang in there . Get a new doctor and get a referral for a psychiatrist . These blokes know the drugs better than the local GP’s ..If he won’t go just ring mental health until they do something . Sounds like a tough time for you .. I know it’s hard on a person looking after some one who’s depressed and suicidal. Maybe ask the in-laws to take up the slack and help out . Ya got to explain to them that It’s there boy who’s sick and needs support .Tell them you could use some help . I hope you can work it out for your family ..Good luck ..
You could look into respite care for him to get the break you need. There are places that will take in patients and give them the 24-7 care you normally would give him for a week, two weeks, whatever YOU need for a break so you can take a vacation for yourself. They would control his meds too so he wouldn’t have access to them and activities for him to participate in. If your husband is worried about the burden he is maybe he’d be agreeable to it, if you sat down and talked to him explaining it’s best for both of you if you were to take a small break. That you need to recharge for his sake and yours. That way you get the break you need, but he’s still safe.
There is something you can do to help him get better: force him into intense therapy. Don’t let him say no. Stage an intervention.
My heart goes out to you. Being a sole caretaker is a very hard thing to do.
Thanks to all. It’s nice to have someone who understands my husband. We did the nursing home for a month. They would not do pt so we had some hard choices to make. We both decided he should come home. That being said I never realized how hard caring for someone in his position would be. The physical things I can deal with . The depression is another. It’s a sucking void. It’s deep and there seems to be no bottom . My husband tells me everyday how great full he is for me, but he also tells me everyday how much better off myself and our daughter would be. How do you help someone who don’t want help? Depression spreads like a plauge. I listen and empathize with him. I cry with him and let him know how much he is loved. Many times I’ve told him death does not solve anything. It doesn’t stop anything. Nothing gets better if your dead. I tell him it’s ok to feel the way he does and I tell him to stop and think. What’s another day? Death comes to us all. Why not wait another day? Another week? Another year? I love him. I have seen my daughter sink to low levels of depression as well. It is mostly when her dad starts to spiral. How do I wade through this abyss? I have my own demons and have no time to reflect. It’s ok to be me. It’s ok to fall but I always rise. My husband has been trying to dig out his whole life. 20 years I’ve wondered if this is the day. It’s very tiring.
I watched my mom go through this twice once with her elderly mother and once with my father who was bedridden the last two years of his life . She was exhausted mentally and physically even with the help, but yes dealing with your husband’s depression on top of everything else adds another layer of stress and you’re right not much you can do than what you are already doing and that must be difficult no doubt and frustrating. I wish I had more advice to give and wish so badly I could help you.
How long has he been home ? I’d say come home too as I’d be thinking how much more easy it would be to off me self .. Just telling you how I would be thinking (I am suicidal).. I’d try and get mum or dad to start spend some QUALITY time with him while your at work . I know it’s easier said than done .I don’t know your family at all . I do know when I was at my lowest I just wished somebody would have stood by me .. In saying that I pushed them all away with my crazy bullshit .. It was my deep depression – on the wrong meds plus the wrong doctors.. I didn’t see it was happening and nobody sat down and explained it too me .. Not so much my misses but A friend. Everybody stood back and watched me implode .. He is lucky he has you and a daughter to think off . I would try and keep him awake all day – give him a few Valium or sleeping meds in the evening so you and your daughter get a rest too .. Depression does spread like a rash and I just know it’s tiring for you . I don’t have kids but I was with my ex for almost 30 years . I could see my moods were hurting us both but I couldn’t change the path I was on .. I think you will find you can help your husband but it probably wont happen over night .. I wish you all the best Katlwebb ..
For 20 years I have been here. If there were no rewards to reap no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I’ve chosen with him, I centainly would have walked away by now. I know there are good days, but there are mostly bad days. All I can do is give him all my love and support. I will never leave him, but I fear he may leave me by means of suicide. I would be devastated and he knows. But more than me I worry about our daughter.
He went into the hospital on July 10 ,2016 he got home on December 11, 2016. He broke both legs and has cushings disease. He has severe osteoporosis due to the cushings. He has diabetes he has chronic pain. He went into septic shock on July 24 and stayed on life support until August 3. Still no joy of life being through all he’s been through. He has had 6 sugery in that time. He has a new lease on life and still he’s depressed.
The Cushing’s can cause an atypical depression, which is why his doctor may not know how to treat it. So they treat the symptoms of depression with drugs. If his hormone levels were corrected, it might help him.
Finding the right endocrinologist is difficult. Had I been correctly diagnosed and correctly treated, most of the suffering I’ve endured over the past 30+ years would have been non-existent; my life would’ve been more tolerable, in theory anyways.
I’d seek a 2nd opinion from a specialist in Cushing’s, not just Diabetes. The good doctors take about 6-8 months before you can even get an appointment. It’s worth booking one.
>>As for yourself: there are support groups for well spouses that could really help you.
You have the right to get out of the house along with your daughter; in fact you should for her sake as well as yours.
It’s not your job to convince him to live. If does take his life, it is NOT your failure.
You are an amazing, strong woman. Do the best you can, but no one expects you to be perfect.