I have been suicidal for around 3 months now, but I’m feeling kinda different now.
It’s not the same, I just want to die as soon as possible. That’s at least how I feel at the moment.
I also feel empty. Extremely empty.
Why am I still alive anyways? I have nothing to live for… I have no dreams, no future,.
I also have no motivation left.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I should be studying for my tests tomorrow.
Oh, and today was a really shitty day too. Nothing good comes out of me anyways, so why tf am I still alive?
Sigh, life just hates me I guess
Greets Kur0-Nek0
20 comments
Hi Kur0-Nek0,
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this today.
What happened today? Why was is it such a shitty day that you cant help but feeling like this?
It’s good that you’re writing this. It’s good that you release your thoughts.
Life doesn’t hate you. Sometimes I feel that lifes just testing people, don’t know why. Just feels like that sometimes
keep your head up, you’ll get there
Noname_x
Well, it wasn’t an awfull day, but it also wasn’t an okay-ish day.
To keep it simple:
I had to go to school, but couldn’t get out of bed.
After that they forced me to do a presentation about a subject that I find really boring (It has to be around 30 minutes long), but the others were allowed to choose their own subjects.
After that I had P.E., but I have a weak body, so I didn’t really enjoy it.
School also forced us to watch a boring french movie from 1998 in the afternoon.
My mom is angry at me, and I don’t even know why..
I’m also supposed to study for my physics test, but I can’t concentrate because of my depression/suicida thoughts
Well, I didn’t cut today, so that’s a good thing about this day I guess.
This weekend wasn’t all that fun either.
I was at my dad’s house, but my stepmother hates me. I guess you can already figure out what kind of weekend I had?
I also feel lonely and empty.
It’s weird, but even I don’t really understand why I’m feeling like this today.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Hi,
Yeah school can suck sometimes, especially when you have subjects that you dont like or when you have to do things that you don’t like. But i guess no one really likes school, right? Only if you can choose your subjects, then it can be fun I guess.
And yes i can figure out what kind of weekend you had. Sorry for that. Stephmothers can be so cruel sometimes, they think they are more worthy than the kids of their partner. Dont worry she will get her karma back to her
Its normal to feel empty and lonely when you have a depression. You cant change how you feel. Even if you had a really good day you still can feel bad just because if the depression
Why do you think your mom was mad at you? Maybe she had also a bad day or maybe you should ask her why she is mad at you?
And youre very strong for not cutting today, i know it can be hard sometimes
Noname_x
I guess it’s that nobody likes school.
You don’t have to feel sorry for me.
I’m only there 3-4 days a month, so I don’t really care about how she treats me.
I don’t know why she is mad.
She asked me of I felt better (I’m a little bit sick) and I replied ‘no, it’s still the same’. She couldn’t hear me, so I said it a bit louder. She got angry for this, and told me that I’m treating her like dog shit and that I have no respect for her. She also ignored me for the rest of day, so yeah. Did I do something wrong? I didn’t raise my voice that much, so I wasn’t screaming or anything.
I’m not that strong though. >.<
I wouldn't cut at all if I was.
But thank you anyways
Greets Kur0-Nek0
idk what to say I’m sorry you are feeling like this
Don’t bother coming up with a reply.
The fact that you read this is already enough to make me feel a little bit better.
It makes me feel less lonely 🙂
Greets Kur0-Nek0
I read this and I hope you’ll feel better after some well deserved rest
Thanks for reading.
Mhh, resting is always nice!
You should get some well deserved rest too 🙂
If I recall Your 17 years old right? I mentioned this before but I was your age exactly what you are feeling is where it all started for me. S
Stay strong man and peace of advice live for yourself and not others even if it’s for family because you’ll end up like me I fell down so much that I do not have the option to live for myself anymore now no one in my family needs me or cares. If I could had changed that things would had turned out differently.
Yes, I’m 17.
I’m not living for my familie, but also not for myself.
I don’t have a reason to stay alive, but I can’t do suicide for some reason..
I hope tour life will end up being nice and that’ll one day find hapiness.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
I feel the same way, like I really want to die but I don’t have anything left in me to actually commit to it and go through with it (if that makes sense).
I’m sorry that I don’t have any advice to give, but saying this in a selfish way, it’s good to hear I’m not to only one feeling that kinda emptiness, the lack of motivation you mentioned, even though I genuinely wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this, just know you aren’t alone in it.
I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this either, but it’s always nice to know that you’re not alone.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
@Kur0-Nek0 –
You are NOT alone. I would love to chat with you some time (and not just about anime, lol). If anything, I may have some advice for you or at least my eyes and ears to hear you out.
My KiK is PaquitoDes, message me 🙂
I don’t have a KiK account, but I’ll create one.
I’ll send you something when I can. (I have to study now)
Thanks for reading btw 🙂
Oh and I’m also willing to listen to your problems.
So feel free to tell me about them.
If you want to do that ofcourse. I am not going to force you.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
I have sent you something on Kik
Hi Kur0-Nek0,
I am going to reply to every point in your original list from your first post.
Here is why I hate my life
– My school life sucks (the only decent thing are my grades)
+ School often does suck but it won’t matter in a few years. It will be ancient history.
– I’m a worthless and retarded 17-year-old boy
+ You are depressed and not in the right frame of mind to judge your worth.
– Even shit is worth more than I am
+ Fuck that shit. Not literally.
– I have achieved nothing in my life so far
+ You are only 17! If you are getting good grades you already outperforming most people your age.
– I find myself ugly (Maybe it’s because of my low self-esteem?)
+ Again you are depressed so this probably not true. Also you don’t need to be the best looking guy to be happy, successful or date pretty girls.
– I won’t be surprised if I have some kind of depression (I haven’t done any tests yet, so that’s why I won’t say that I have depression)
+ You are very self-aware and knowledgeable about mental health for such a young person. There are no tests for depression but it can be treated.
– I am sure that I have some mild – high level of OCD (I shower a lot, I wash my hands a damn lot, I check if the door is closed like 100 times a day, same goes for the
windows)(Same here.. haven’t done any tests yet, but its kinda obvious)
+ It is better that you shower too much than too little! Unfortunately, I think the latter may have applied to me at your age.
OCD can be treated: http://discovermagazine.com/2013/nov/14-defense-free-will
– I suck at everything. Example: drawing,.. (And yes I do practice a lot)
+ Once again, if you are severely depressed you may only think you suck at drawing. Even if you do suck, I am sure you can improve. And if you enjoy drawing, then it doesn’t even matter if you suck.
– Physical pain (I have a lot of health problems, like pain in my chest, weak legs, a lot of headaches,.. Medicines don’t work and the doctors don’t know why I have this..)
+ Depression and anxiety can often cause physical pain however there could be other reasons as well. You mentioned that you have a problem with mold in your house, this can cause problems. Don’t worry about the mold right now but when you are feeling better it might be a good idea to speak to your Mum about this and see if this problem can be solved.
As for your legs, you can make them stronger by walking up hills and through exercises. Star jumps and squats are good for this.
– I cut myself with scissors, stab myself with a bread knife and hit/kick the wall to distract myself from this shitty life (I only get bruises from stabbing myself)
+ I can’t say much about this but it is a common problem and with the help of a caring professional you will be able to stop.
– I suck at being social (yes, I have tried talking to people on multiple occasions, but they either try to talk to me as little as possible or act like i’m not there )
+ You can improve your social skills. But deal with your main issues first and afterwards you will find it much easier to make friends. Also if people act like you are not there then just walk away. They are not worth your time.
– My crush will never like me (She still likes my friend.. like seriously, he isn’t interested in her, but she still can’t forget about him. Oh and I forgot to say that she’s liked him for a couple of years) (And sadly enough she is the only person who has actually treated me as a normal person, even though she barely knew me)
+ Right now concentrate on yourself. When you feel better I really recommend The Mating Grounds Podcast for general dating advice. I wish I had known all that stuff when I was 17. Going back to the girl in question, it is a good sign that she treated you well but don’t get too hung up on her. Again when you feel better, the only way to know for sure is to tell her how you feel.
– My dad doesn’t really care about me (that’s the impression I get, he never said anything like that himself)
– My mom told me that I make her depressed
+ Unfortunately we can’t choose our parents and even parents say things they regret. Your Mum seems to care about you. As for your Dad, give him a chance and see what happens with the relationship. It is only your impression.
– I have some “friends”, but I think that some of them don’t really like me anymore.
+ Presumably the others still like you! As for the others, that may just be the depression talking. If not don’t worry you will make new friends eventually.
Don’t worry too much about fitting in at school. Some of the most popular people you know today will end up losers and some of the quiet ones will become successful and much liked. Whatever happens, in the future you won’t even see or talk to most of the people from high school. I hope that takes the pressure off and puts things into context. Try to relax and focus on having meaningful friendships. When you feel happier it will also be easy to make more friends.
– My stepmother hates me for no reason (I’m not talking about disliking me, but seriously hating me)
+ Your stepmother does sound like a piece of work. I don’t know why your Dad is with her, but unfortunately sometimes people only see what they want to see. Saying that you were treating her like dog shit and no respect for her just because you raised your voice slightly is a gross exaggeration. Fake news! She was being incredibly sensitive or worse, she may have just been pretending so that she could complain about you later. There were similar problems in my own family. My advice in this kind of situation is to avoid being alone with her and DO NOT complain about her to your Dad. He will learn by himself eventually what she is like. When you talk to her, always be polite and try not to get upset. If she is trying to provoke you which seems to be the case this will annoy her!
– Many people who I know either try to do suicide or do suicide
+ Please don’t do the same. Although it may not seem like it now, especially when you are in such a dark place, I honestly believe that most of your problems can be solved and that you can greatly improve your life. This is not just my opinion, but there is a huge weight of evidence to support this. When I say “your problems”, I don’t mean that is any inherent problem with you. Looking at your posts, I can see that you have had a very hard life and had to cope with some traumatic events. Most people in similar situations would find it very hard to cope. With the right help you can beat this. Within a few years your life will be totally different. So please don’t do anything now that you can’t take back.
– I play too much video games (but it’s one of the few things I’m decent at)
+ Finally you admit you are good at something. I don’t know what kind of games you play but depending on the game you are demonstrating one or more of these: fast reaction time, strategic thinking, processing speed, teamwork working memory. All these things can be applied to many other areas of life.There is nothing wrong with playing video games in moderation, but well done for realizing at such an early age that it is not very healhty to play in excess.
– Every time I go outside on my own when it’s dark, I get scared.. (Sometimes I even tremble/sweat a bit)(This all started after a couple of things that happened in my childhood)
+ I think you really have to find a therapist to help you deal with what happened in your childhood as it seems to have deeply affected you. With help and with time the fear will reduce.
– Sometimes when I see a robe, scissors,.. I think to myself how great it would be if I could kill myself with that object. (Btw, I consider doing suicide quite often, but I just can’t seem to do it)
+ I think it is great that you haven’t done so yet. I don’t know you but judging from your posts you honestly strike me as a very mature, kind and intelligent young man. I don’t give compliments if I don’t mean them. You are certainly much more mature than I was at your age and your English is pretty good. 🙂
– I can barely get out of bed nowadays
I really hope this will change. All the best.
DB
Thank you for reading!
I just wanted to let you know that I’m not ignoring you, and that I did read your comment!
I’ll write a proper reply tomorrow!
It’s 00:02 here, so I’m going to bed right now.
Thank you for reading all my posts and creating such a long reply.
I really appreciate it! 🙂
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Hey DB,
Thank you for reading and writing such a long comment 🙂
I know that I’m responding kinda late, but I was kind of bussy with school things.
So my apologies for that!
NOTE: I did not respond to all your responses. This is mainly because I didn’t know what to say lol.
NOTE 2: There is a “–)” in front of my responses.
– I have achieved nothing in my life so far
+ You are only 17! If you are getting good grades you already outperforming most people your age.
–) It’s true that I’m still young, but I consider becoming a bit happier or making a friend/talking to classmates as achievements too. So I’m not really taking about bigger achievements things.
– I find myself ugly (Maybe it’s because of my low self-esteem?)
+ Again you are depressed so this probably not true. Also you don’t need to be the best looking guy to be happy, successful or date pretty girls.
–) I don’t think that this is always depression’s fault. I mean, everyone can find him/herself ugly, but ofcourse I am sure that depression makes it worse.
The thing I hate the most about myself is how pale I am, how my hair looks like hay most of the time (I use wax to fix this, but it doesn’t help that much) and how terrible my face looks (I always look like a walking corpse lol, but this may be because I’m always depressed/suicidal).
– I suck at everything. Example: drawing,.. (And yes I do practice a lot)
+ Once again, if you are severely depressed you may only think you suck at drawing. Even if you do suck, I am sure you can improve. And if you enjoy drawing, then it doesn’t even matter if you suck.
–) I just didn’t see the improvement. I took a look at my drawings yesterday and realised that I was getting better. Sad things is that I’m too unmotivated to do things, and that includes drawing.
– I cut myself with scissors, stab myself with a bread knife and hit/kick the wall to distract myself from this shitty life (I only get bruises from stabbing myself)
+ I can’t say much about this but it is a common problem and with the help of a caring professional you will be able to stop.
–) It indeed is a common problem. It really sucks, but it’s so damn addictive. You tell yourself that you’ll only do it once, but you end up doing it on a regular basis anyways.
– I suck at being social (yes, I have tried talking to people on multiple occasions, but they either try to talk to me as little as possible or act like i’m not there )
+ You can improve your social skills. But deal with your main issues first and afterwards you will find it much easier to make friends. Also if people act like you are not there then just walk away. They are not worth your time.
–) What “main” issues? Seriously, I don’t even know what I should handle first. You got any ideas?
– My crush will never like me (She still likes my friend.. like seriously, he isn’t interested in her, but she still can’t forget about him. Oh and I forgot to say that she’s liked him for a couple of years) (And sadly enough she is the only person who has actually treated me as a normal person, even though she barely knew me)
+ Right now concentrate on yourself. When you feel better I really recommend The Mating Grounds Podcast for general dating advice. I wish I had known all that stuff when I was 17. Going back to the girl in question, it is a good sign that she treated you well but don’t get too hung up on her. Again when you feel better, the only way to know for sure is to tell her how you feel.
–) Thanks for the recommandation! I’ll check it out later. Lol, it’s not like she treated me in a special way. It’s just the fact that she is the only one who has treated like a “normal” human while barely knowing me. This isn’t the only reason why I fell in love with her though, but this definitely started it.
– My dad doesn’t really care about me (that’s the impression I get, he never said anything like that himself)
– My mom told me that I make her depressed
+ Unfortunately we can’t choose our parents and even parents say things they regret. Your Mum seems to care about you. As for your Dad, give him a chance and see what happens with the relationship. It is only your impression.
–) It’s true that’s only my impression, so let’s see what’ll happen next.
– I have some “friends”, but I think that some of them don’t really like me anymore.
+ Presumably the others still like you! As for the others, that may just be the depression talking. If not don’t worry you will make new friends eventually.
Don’t worry too much about fitting in at school. Some of the most popular people you know today will end up losers and some of the quiet ones will become successful and much liked. Whatever happens, in the future you won’t even see or talk to most of the people from high school. I hope that takes the pressure off and puts things into context. Try to relax and focus on having meaningful friendships. When you feel happier it will also be easy to make more friends.
–) Well, I don’t have that many friend at all actually, I only have 2 friends at school. And I think that it’s important to try to fit in. I mean, feeling lonely at school is an extremely awful feeling, and I won’t have any experience when I join a workplace.
– My stepmother hates me for no reason (I’m not talking about disliking me, but seriously hating me)
+ Your stepmother does sound like a piece of work. I don’t know why your Dad is with her, but unfortunately sometimes people only see what they want to see. Saying that you were treating her like dog shit and no respect for her just because you raised your voice slightly is a gross exaggeration. Fake news! She was being incredibly sensitive or worse, she may have just been pretending so that she could complain about you later. There were similar problems in my own family. My advice in this kind of situation is to avoid being alone with her and DO NOT complain about her to your Dad. He will learn by himself eventually what she is like. When you talk to her, always be polite and try not to get upset. If she is trying to provoke you which seems to be the case this will annoy her!
–) Yeah she really hates me.
– Many people who I know either try to do suicide or do suicide
+ Please don’t do the same. Although it may not seem like it now, especially when you are in such a dark place, I honestly believe that most of your problems can be solved and that you can greatly improve your life. This is not just my opinion, but there is a huge weight of evidence to support this. When I say “your problems”, I don’t mean that is any inherent problem with you. Looking at your posts, I can see that you have had a very hard life and had to cope with some traumatic events. Most people in similar situations would find it very hard to cope. With the right help you can beat this. Within a few years your life will be totally different. So please don’t do anything now that you can’t take back.
–) Well, let’s hope that my life will be different, but maybe it’ll only get worse.
What evidenve are you talking about? I don’t see a way to improve my life at all.
About the suicide part: I don’t have a reliable method, so I won’t do it any time soon I guess.
It’s not that I want to do suicide RIGHT NOW. I do want to die, but I still have a little bit of hope left. It’s only a little bit though..
– I play too much video games (but it’s one of the few things I’m decent at)
+ Finally you admit you are good at something. I don’t know what kind of games you play but depending on the game you are demonstrating one or more of these: fast reaction time, strategic thinking, processing speed, teamwork working memory. All these things can be applied to many other areas of life.There is nothing wrong with playing video games in moderation, but well done for realizing at such an early age that it is not very healhty to play in excess.
–) I play games like Rainbow 6 Siege (R6S), Battlefield 4 and assassins creed.
They’re mainly shooters, but you also need to use tactis in R6S
– Sometimes when I see a robe, scissors,.. I think to myself how great it would be if I could kill myself with that object. (Btw, I consider doing suicide quite often, but I just can’t seem to do it)
+ I think it is great that you haven’t done so yet. I don’t know you but judging from your posts you honestly strike me as a very mature, kind and intelligent young man. I don’t give compliments if I don’t mean them. You are certainly much more mature than I was at your age and your English is pretty good. ?
–) Thanks for the compliment. I never get compliments lol, so it kinda suprised me.
Again
Thank you for your time and comment
Greets Kur0-Nek0