College is just sinking in, as well as the fact that I have to transfer soon, and there’s homework to do but I can’t bring myself to start or finish anything. Nothing matters anymore. What do any of my goals matters? I keep asking myself, why doesn’t my life matter anymore? Why have I stopped caring? Because life’s too hard and I’m stuck in my comfort zone (chained by fear) without a clue as to who I am. Because nothing’s going to come my way easy, because I’m so pathetically anxious that it’s hard to keep a job so I’m financially screwed unlike other ordinary college students that can so easily breeze through their lives. Because I completely detest my family and having to be near a single person, yet I yearn for connection and understanding. Because I completely despise having to be nice for someone else’s sake when in fact it stresses me out. I want to be left alone but that’s not healthy and that’s not what I want, but then again, I do not know what I truly want to begin with. All I want to do is pass away. I wish I had a gun, it’s sad… but I guess… maybe… I am willing to let go of all of my hopes and dreams. I’m just too scared of life and failure and moving forward to really do anything, and it hurts everyday just being reminded of that fact.
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Failure is something everyone feels fear of sometimes and failure also happens to everyone as well. But failure can teach you things too. Sounds like you have an anxiety issue that could use some help, maybe meds can help. Citalopram has worked for me to alleviate much of my anxiety but I had a minor case. Maybe talk to your dr. College can be a very stressful time for people your age, others are probably feeling like you are so don’t think you are all alone in it and how you feel. As someone who didn’t go to college, I advise you to try and keep going. It does make a difference most of the time having a degree when it comes to jobs and your future to be a bit better, no guarantees in life for anyone, but you will most likely be better off as far as how it affects your life. Try to hang in there and not worry about minor things or things you have control over. Instead focus energy on the things you do have control over and push through. Finish the homework and do the assignments. If you get behind or procrastinate you will make the anxiety worse for yourself… remember that.