I cant

i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i just cant
my religion condemns things like drugs and suicide and alcohol and i never thought id ever think about things like that but about three years ago everything changed and then again about a month ago everything has changed again it was getting better and i should have know i dont know why i thought i could ever be happy the worst part is i want to die so bad but i know i wont kill myself and i just feel like i have no way out i cant do this i cant do life everyone hates me and i cant fix it even life hates me i try to do everything right and life just continuously screws me over and when i try to talk to my mom who says she wants to talk to me she just says oh everyone faces setbacks but its more than that everything goes wrong and i dont know why i dont know anything and i dont know why i ever even try to talk to my mom im so alone no one cares and i have no one to talk to and anyone who says that they want to talk to me doesnt really want to care any time i try to talk to my mom she just tells me to shut up basically because im just looking for attention and that i just make up crap and she cant handle me and ive barely said anything and i just want someone to talk to me or even just listen and care i feel like im stuck in a glass box and i cant move i can barely breathe i cant scream or talk or even whisper and everyone can see me and they couldnt care less that im lying through my smiling teeth cause thats all they really want who cares if i want to die as long as i dont show it as long as i keep smiling im not drowning or screaming im hiding behind a mask cause if i dont then i have to face that no one cares how i feel theyll think its just a phase or that im dramatic but this has been going on so long i dont remember life without this constant pain inside and yet i cant feel anything and i cant see a life without it sorry im sorry idk why im even doing this i just feel so stuck im sorry im so dumb sorry