A release.
I got on a call with the Samaritans with a person I have never met, don’t even know the name of.
God, all those feelings I had never voiced during the impossibly long- years it seems- months I was cooped up in this room, isolated, far from a soul I could love and trust, released themselves.
I poured out every single feeling of guilt, hopelessness, terror, awful sadness over the phone and she listened while I
heaved and sobbed and gasped and cried out and hyperventilated
to a stranger
articulated every single feeling that I am a loser, an imposer, a con person, a moron, an undeserving, self harming
absolute mess.
It helped. The phone call really helped.
She told me I was brave and now I have a plan of action.
Most of all, those feelings are not in the darkness anymore. They have been expelled from the darkness, where they have festered and fermented for a long while, until the unknown stench drove me onto a path of self destruction.
But now I’ve brought them into the light and I’ve been told that I can look them in the eye.
They still look disgusting. They seep hideously.
But now I know who they are. And it’s okay to deal with them even though it won’t be pretty.
Maybe it will be one day. Maybe.
I don’t know.
4 comments
The Samaritans are nice people.
Internal organs are hideous looking when you drag them out, but they serve a good purpose. Medical students spend so much time with the squishy parts they get over it and learn to see the nuances.
In the same way your ugly mental squishy parts need to be looked at. As you become familiar with them – by looking at them from the outside – they will become less daunting.
I’m very, very happy for you!
I’m proud of you for making the call. That’s a super tough thing to do.
Hugs!
Very poetic, especially the word seep. I Love/Hate/Love that word so much! 🙂
It’s good to hear those feelings are in the light now. It took me years too but it’s better late than never, right?
It sounds silly but I recently thought of it like shaving. Most would find it impossible to shave without a mirror, or at least do a terrible job of it. You need to be able to see what you’re doing. Finally opening up and also seeing the reflection of what it is we’re experiencing in places like this site through other people’s experiences make it easier to see where to ‘shave’. I imagine this site is a mirror for many.
Within this analogy I suppose the therapist/outside support then becomes the barbers? As it is impossible to see/reach the back of your own head, sometimes we need the perspective and help of another to get the job done. Have you ever tried cutting the back of your own hair, looking into the mirror whilst holding another in one hand and scissors in the other? Nightmare! 😛
It’s a dumb analogy. Regardless, I hope this step is the first of many on a positive journey for you.
That’s great, I’m really glad you found a way to let it all out.