I hate living in LA. I miss living in Northern California. I fight with my mom and sister a lot, so living in a one bedroom isn’t easy when there is no privacy or no where to escape. I liked being far away from home because it made my relationship with them stronger then it has ever been. If it wasn’t for my break up, Id still be in the Bay Area. I have no choice but to live here because i can’t afford to live on my own. My mom is really good at telling me how much of a failure i am. Just the other day she told me, “Stop acting like you’re miss independent when you’re absolutely nothing.” And today she decided to tell me to stay out in San Francisco since I’m going to visit this weekend and not to come back. She likes to throw shit in my face all the time. I am getting so tired of being put down, i can’t take it anymore. Especially from my mom. I’m going through a really hard time, she should be helping me and bringing positive energy into my life. But all she’s done since I’ve been here is nag and ***** at me for everything. She never tells me its going to be okay or it will all work out. She always rubs in my face all my financial problems and how I need to move out already.
Ive never been so depressed before. With going through a serious break up, getting in a car accident, dealing with bills that tie my ex and i together and trying to pay for my own things, its been to much to handle on my own. My grandpa lent me money to pay off my car and my mom likes to remind me everyday of how i need to pay him back.
I want to stay on this earth and prove my mom wrong. Im not a fuck up. I can do this. But then there are those days where i just can’t take it anymore. Im so tired of being attacked and told that I’m playing victim. I’m not playing victim, I’m seriously trying to make sense of what i can do for my mom to love and treat me like she does to my sister. I know I’m not perfect. I know we bump heads all the time. I just want my mom here for me through this rough patch in my life. I want her to be understanding and listen to me without judgement. I always want to confide to her and every time i do, i regret it because she has a negative opinion or brings it up when we fight. I just feel so weak and all i want is my mom to simply understand the crisis I’m going through.
When and if i ever ditch my problems, i want to make sure my dogs aren’t given to a shelter. They are my babies and if it weren’t for them, i would of left this world a long time ago. My mom and my sister tell me how horrible i am to leave my dogs or come in an out of the house and not spend an ENTIRE day with them. But i do. They just dont notice it. When i was younger, we had two dogs. We were busy, soccer games, dance recitals, just busy.. I dont recall anyone telling my mom how horrible she was for being out so much. She worked all day, my sister and i were at school, so the dog(s) were alone from 8 am to 6 pm. My dogs are left for two hours to 5 hours MAX!! And thats not all the time, its when my mom, sister and I dont communicate with our schedules. But they say my dogs aren’t their responsibility which i get. BUT if it weren’t for my mom signing me up to a private school that cost so much money, i wouldnt have three jobs. I need to pay my bills along with my school payments. How does she expect me to stay home all the time and pay everything without working three jobs. Im trying to do everything i can to please her. Nothing works. They dont acknowledge how hard i work or the amount of stress i deal with. My dogs live a fantastic life with the things i do for them. They are lucky! If no one was home all day and i wouldn’t be working three jobs. But thats not the case. Once i graduate everything will settle down and i will have one job with a set schedule.